Feeling Down

I don't know why I put myself in situations like this. At work today, I got into one of my "serious" toned conversations with the girl I used to carry a torch for and started the whole "what if..." crap. Now I feel like a total scumbag and just don't have any motivation to do anything. Sometimes thinking is the worst thing someone can do.

Upcoming Reviews for Da' Site...

Already sent in a review of a random WWF House Show, and just finishing up on a classic game courtesy of Major League Baseball. What next? Only time will tell!

The Blog is Back

I'll probably forgot about this thing again, but I'm making my return to blogging, right here, right now! I'm back, bitch!

The Simpsons Movie

I finally got a chance to watch the DVD I got for christmas, and I'm surprised that it was pretty damn good. Considering the fact the TV series has been churning out stinkers for the last 7 years, I had low expectations about this. Sure, it was still a bit goofy with the whole "save the town" plot that we see in every animated movie, but the simple jokes like Nelson's over-the-top use of "Ha-Ha", Grandpa's three stooges grunting in church, Moe being stripped down to his Duff underpants, or Homer getting his head clawed at while in the sinkhole is just a few of the many great moments of the movie. Also got to give props to the idea for the credits, listing everyone with their characters, even those who didn't have a speaking line in the movie (specifically Marcia Wallace, who voiced Mrs. Krabappel). The bonus features aren't exactly top-notch, but nothing bad. I wouldn't have minded seeing the scene with Patty & Selma in the film, especially since it was featured in commercials and trailers.

All in all, I'd give the movie about an 8 out of 10, simply because it would've been perfectly fine with another 10 minutes. The DVD itself gets a 4 out of 5. Some bonus material, not the best, but enough to keep most people satisfied.

The End of 2007

For the first time in a while, I actually had some enjoyment of the year. I finally found a job, even if it's a lame low-level loser job, but hey, it's still money in my pocket that I needed badly. I found love after years of being cold and alone, loathing those who felt what love was. And of course, I got to do a few things this year that I've always wanted to do, like see a New York Yankees game, get a tattoo, have some fun with my hands that involved someone besides myself, and a lot of other stuff not worth mentioning. So here's to a new year. 2008, you better not suck ass.

Classic NBA Stuff...

Going through my tape collection, I've come across the following, courtesy of the NBA TV Channel...


1986 Playoffs: Philadelphia 76ers @ Milwaukee Bucks (Game 7)
1987 Playoffs: Milwaukee Bucks @ Boston Celtics (Game 7)
1988 Playoffs: Atlanta Hawks @ Boston Celtics (Game 7)
1988 Finals: Detroit Pistons @ Los Angeles Lakers (Game 6)
1989 Playoffs: New York Knicks @ Chicago Bulls (Game 6)
1990 Playoffs: San Antonio Spurs @ Portland TrailBlazers (Game 7)
1990 Finals: Portland TrailBlazers @ Detroit Pistons (Game 5)
1991 Finals: Los Angeles Lakers @ Chicago Bulls (Game 1)
1993 Playoffs: Charlotte Hornets @ Boston Celtics (Game 2)
1994 Playoffs: New York Knicks @ Chicago Bulls (Game 3)
1994 Playoffs: Chicago Bulls @ New York Knicks (Game 5)
1994 Playoffs: Indiana Pacers @ New York Knicks (Game 7)
1999 Playoffs: New York Knicks @ Miami Heat (Game 5)
1999 Playoffs: Indiana Pacers @ New York Knicks (Game 3)
Winter 2003-04: Orlando Magic @ New York Knicks
NBA Draft's from the 1989-1994 Seasons
1997 All-Star Saturday Night
Other crap

The Blog is Back!

Missed a lot of old, crappy reviews, or my thoughts on why Video Games suck or not? Missed a lot of hot air and meaningless stuff not good enough for Da' Site? Well, the Scrooge is back again to bring the entertainment.

Scrooge's SMS/Sega Genesis Flashback:

Part three in the on-going no-life having topics of making short evaluations and comments about old video games I barely play anymore. This time, it’s a joint-production for the original Sega Master System and Sega Genesis, since I only have about five games for the former.



Sega Master System:


1. Double Dragon:
The classic arcade beat-em-up. You control one of two “brothers” with goofy names, fighting an evil gang that kidnapped your girlfriend. Why not just call the Cops? I’d assume it would be a lot easier. The shortest game of the series, with only about 6 levels to over-come. Outside of bashing people with Kung-Fu, you can also pick up weapons dropped, including daggers and a whip. S&M! Pretty good game overall, but much better with a second player, since the difficulty was a bit too much.


2. Penguin Land
Basically a puzzle game. You must guide a Penguin and it’s egg down the screen, avoiding vultures, grizzly bears, and various other traps that can destroy your egg. You keep doing this for 60 levels or so. You can also create your own level and attempt to beat it, which is always fun. Just make sure not to set up a booby trap that is impossible to get by. I don’t think a sequel was ever made, and don’t think it was ever converted to the Nintendo Entertainment System, either.


3. Rocky
Yes, THAT Rocky. The guy who beat up black people and foreigners to be the best in the World. I picked this up for $5 at a Mom & Pop rental store I used to frequent a few years back. VERY Short game, though. You train, then fight Apollo Creed, train, fight Clubber Lang, train, and finally fight Ivan Drago. Each fight requires a different strategy. With Creed, you can just go in and bash him up. Lang is weak to body blows, and Drago is impossible to beat. I always get KO’ed by the 7th Round.


4. Walter Payton Football
Your typical football game for the time frame. The color scheme is all wrong for every team, no players are given names, and the view is from high above, and everyone looks like a spider rushing up and down the field. The only worthwhile part of the game is the fact it’s guy Walter Payton on the cover. Everything else is bust. See also: NFL for NES.


5. Wonder Boy III: The Dragon’s Trap
Probably the greatest game in the “history” of the Sega Master System. You control “Wonder Boy”, who is on the verge of destroying The Mekka Dragon. Before the Dragon dies, he “curses” Hu-Man (yes, I’m serious), turning him into Lizard Man. From there, you tansform into Mouse-Man, Piranna-Man, Lion-Man, and Hawk-Man en route to breaking the curse of the Vampire Dragon, hidden high above in the skies. Almost like the Legend of Zelda, except in side scrolling form. You must roam the land through various areas, some only attainable by certain characters (underwater is best suited for Pirrana Man, Mouse-Man can climb through small openings, etyc.) collecting armor, weapons, and money along the way.


Sega Genesis:


1. Street Fighter II: Special Champion Edition
I’m sure everyone is familiar with the Street Fighter II game… and if you aren’t, where the fuck have you been since 1992? For those who DON’T know, you control one of various characters from around the world in an ultimate competition to see who’s the greatest fighter in the world. Selectable characters in the original game are Ryu (pronunciation varies, from “Roo”, to “Ree-oo”, but not “Rye-U”), Ken Masters, E. Honda, Dhalsim, Guile, Chun-Li, Blanka, and Zangief, with the bosses being M. Bison, Balrog, Vega, and Sagat (pronounced Sa-GOT, not as in Bob Sagat). In this version of many many many others, you can play as everyone, for those who dreamed of being one of the big bad bosses.


2. Mortal Kombat 3:
An apparent improvement over Mortal Kombat II, featuring a whole batch of new characters and bosses. However, I remember this game being a bit harder than the first and second, with a much faster engine and tougher A1, and a marked difficulty in pulling off a Fatality. You’re only given about 3-seconds to pull one off, or your opponent just dies without any fun. Some may recognize MK3 for the characters it introduced in the 2nd MK Movie, including a NEW Sub-Zero, Noob Saibot, a female version of Kintaro and Goro, and Kitana’s mother. Stick with MKII, it’s hell-a fun compared to it’s sequels that follow the same engine on the SNES/Genesis systems.


3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters
A much different version from the Super NES and (bastardized) NES version. Instead of just a round-robbin of fights, this actually tries to make a storyline around it. You select one of the TMNT or their friends, and battle it out en route to a series of boss battles, one being a Triceraton, most famous for their involvement in the original TMNT Comics. Way too tough of a game, and the bosses are even harder, if that’s even possible to say. Stick with the Super NES version, which features random involvements of Chrome Dome, Armageddon, and the Rat King.


4. Sonic The Hedgehog:
The original from a long line of video games in the series. You control Sonic, who is a Hedgehog (no shit). Your mission is to save the world and all your friends from the Evil Dr. Robotnik and his cohorts of machines and morons. Known for the rapid speed of Sonic and the distinctive levels, but also the most difficult of the series. The game would be improved upon with a much more friendly difficult setting, plus the eventual debuts of side-kick Tails and the other Hedgehog, Knuckles.


5. Tiny Toon Adventures: Buster’s Hidden Treasure
For a children’s television show transferred into video games, the TT series released several successful and entertaining video games, and by this point, was breaking off from traditional games by releasing ACME All-Stars and Wacky Sports Challenge. Anyway, this game is this game, and it follows the same formula as Mario games. Enter a stage at a certain location, beat it, go to the next, beat the boss, then go to the next level with a whole batch of stages. It’s better than it sounds, and includes all the Tiny Toon Characters we all know and love. Your mission, is of course, to stop the evil Montana Max from taking over Acme Acres.


6. Eternal Champions:
Never played it, don’t remember buying it, so let’s go to the next game. According to the morons at GameFAQs.com, it’s a pretty good game, but going by the illustration and the manual, it looks like a Street Fighter rip-off to me.


7. Super Battleship:
The Classic Naval Combat Game, so says the box art. We all know how the game works. You and an opponent set up five ships, including a Destroyer, Submarine, and of course, Battleship, then take turns blindly trying to make a hit. The first person to sink the other person’s ships wins. That’s how this video game works. You take turns hitting, and so on and so forth.


8. Jurassic Park:
Another game I bought for like $5, but I think I’ve only played it once. I think you have the option of controlling a human character or a Raptor, which is a unique feature. The graphics are solid, and so is the music. Don’t rmemeber much else, but it sounds like another good game I haven’t bothered to try and sit through.


And now it’s time for the SPORTS GAMES!


9. World Series Baseball – I think this is the 1994 Roster. I remember only playing seasons with the Florida Marlins and New York Yankees, but eventually the save feature suddenly shut down, so the game is worthless now. Most notable about the game is the monotone announcer, who sounds like an even more robotic version of Vin Scully. “Lea-ding off… num-ber for-ty-two. He is… 1 for 4… for the game.”

10. World Seris Baseball 1996 – Same style of the game as the previous with improved graphics and roster changes. I think there’s a bug in the system. If you used Andy Pettitte and through a certain pitch to the same location, you can never get touched. I actually threw a perfect game with 27 K’s with that strategy.

11. Triple Play ’96 – Same rosters, but much more difficult to control, and hitting home runs is a bitch.

12. NFL Football ’94 Starring Joe Montana – The graphics are big and bold, but there’s another bug in this game. When rushing, if you can break away, you can never be touched. For reference, I rushed for a Touchdown with Rodney Hampton, but before scoring, I just kept running back and forth for 14-MINUTES, not getting touched, using evasive moves to avoid the defense. REALLY lame. The passing in the game is hella’ hard, but it doesn’t matter.

13. NFL Madden ’95 – Your typical Madden game. The key entertainment is simulating through a season and the playoffs. For fun reference, in the HUNDREDS of seasons I’ve done, the Cleveland Browns have never finished with a winning record, and of course never made the playoffs.

14. NBA Live ’97 – Entertaining game with the rosters from the 1996-97 Off-Season. You can adjust the rosters to your liking, which wasn’t a normal part of video games back then. You either had to settle with your team or never play it period. I think I once beat a team 130-40, so you can guess how tough the A1 is.

15. NHL Hockey – No season is given, but the Tampa Bay Lightning aren’t included, so draw your own conclusion. The Devils also have green in their jerseys still. You can play a season or Playoff run, among other things. Fun game, but the NHL games got much better by 1994-95.

16. FIFA International Soccer – Traditional soccer game. Tough against the REAL teams like Argentina or Brazil, a cake-walk against the second rate teams. I always played as Italy or the United States, so I don’t know how hard it was to win with the even crappier teams than the USA.


Games missing from collection: Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Sonic & Knuckles, Altered Beast for SMS. I also didn’t comment on the two built-in games for the SMS.

Scrooge's SNES Flashback:

You all know the drill. I make dumbass comments about all the games from the Super Nintendo I currently have in my possession and try to remember back when I thought some of these turds were actually good games.


1. Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs
Style: Sports. Back in the day when basketball was good, and video game companies screwed you out of half the teams in the league, we had this... an NBA game containing the 16 teams that made the playoffs in 1992, and actually included the real rosters, back when most games had made up players or just numbers to represent them. Without looking, I think representing the East is New York, Chicago, Cleveland, Indiana, Boston, Miami, New Jersey, and Detroit. From the West, Portland, Los Angeles (Clippers), Utah, Los Angeles (Lakers), San Antonio, Phoenix, Seattle, and Golden State. Yes, the Clips' and Warriors made it to the playoffs the same year. Also, in exhibition mode, you can choose to play as the East and West All-Stars. The only notable difference is the fact that Magic Johnson is on the All-Star team, but not in the regular rosters. A nice touch is the fact that the players are a bit distinctive. Centers are lumbering, and usually terrible shots outside the paint. Forwards have varied skills, and the guards have good shooting ability, but lack any domination under the rim. On another note, the Boston court is the most difficult to adjust to, because of my pattern for shots, and the unusual floor pattern. 8 for 10.


2. Cybernator
Style: Platform/Action. And that's all I know. My brother traded NHL '95 back in the day for this, and I've never played it. Fucking bastard (literally)... I LOVED NHL '95. I enjoyed creating my own players, and giving them funny names. I remember one time having a line that included King Tutt, Pee-Wee Herman, and Hulk Hogan. Yes, I'm a very sad, sad, sad person. N/R


3. Donkey Kong Country
Style: Platform/Adventure. Despite the obvious cheese factor in the names of some characters (the total dependance on over-using names with "K", and the boss, King K. Rool), a classic game that introduced graphics that have never been seen on a SNES before. Throw in simple controls, addictive gameplay, and a wide range of zones, enemies, and hidden treasures, it'll take a long time to beat this game 100%. On a personal note, I don't think I've ever done higher than 89%, and I've never used cheats to find some of the Bonus Areas. As for storyline/plot, you're Donkey Kong, and someone has stolen your stash... of banana's. You enlist the help of young Diddy Kong, a much quicker (but weak) ape to help you along the way, as well as the services of Cranky Kong, Candy Kong, and Funky Kong, to help in various other ways. Travel through seven lands, and you'll reach the boss battle against King K. Rool, an over-weight reptile that wears a crown on his head, as if he were the Burger King... K. Rool. 9 for 10.


4. Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
Style: Platform/Adventure. Obviously, the sequel to the previous game listed. For the most part, the characters remain in tact, with a few minor alterations, and of course a new batch of characters is created (Cat O'Nine Tails!?). Gameplay is also much smoother than the first, and we are treated to some awesome levels, like the roller coaster rides. This time, it's Donkey Kong who is kidnapped, and it's up to Diddy and his new pal, Dixie Kong, to save the big gorilla from the clutches of King K. Rool, who appears to have survived the attack from the last game. With all new locations, more bonus areas, and some new friends to help you along the way (and new mini-games with other Kong's), this is a worthy sequel to a ground breaking game. The only downside of this one is the fact you can't play as Donkey Kong, since he doesn't figure into the game into the final level, which happens to be a major bitch to get through. I think it's safe to say that while the original was great, this one is even better. 10 for 10.


5. Frogger
Style: Platform/Puzzle. It's Frogger... you know the deal. Frog has to cross the street, busy with millions of trucks and cars going well beyond the speed limit and not a cop in site (must be Boston), then you have to cross a river with a bunch of logs, crocodiles, turtles, and other pieces of crap. One wrong move, and you go whammo. As usual in these games, the more levels you go through, the harder it becomes to get all of your frogs across the way without dying too much. And that's pretty much all there is. If you've played one version of Frogger, you've played them all. 6 for 10.


6. Monopoly
Style: Board game. For the love of fuck's sake, it's Monopoly. If you don't know what Monopoly is, you've obviously lived a sheltered life. Everyone, in some way shape or form, has played one of the countless versions of Monopoly, be it Monopoly, Monopoly Jr., Star Wars Minopoly, Simpsons Monopoly, etc. etc. The goal is to obtain various property, ranging from the ghetto's of Baltic Avenue, to the millioniare owned Park Place and Boardwalk. Throw in the Water and Electric Companies, and a set of Railroad stations, and you too can dominate the world, circa 1932. Games will no doubt last at least an hour, depending on how many players are chosen.


7. Mortal Kombat II
Style: Fighting. The sequel to Mortal Kombat (duh!), with new characters, much improved graphics, new arenas, and new bosses. Among the fighters are Liu Kang, Kung Lao, Baraka, Malina, Kitana, Shang Tsung, Raiden, Scorpion, Sub-Zero, Johnny Cage, Jaxx, and Reptile, with new bosses Shao Kahn and Kintaro (the... uh... cousin of Goro?). With cleaner graphics, special moves, and especially Fatalities, look much better, and more creative to boot. Who doesn't love knocking people off cliffs, seeing their heads splatter against concrete, or knocking them into acid pits and watching their skeleton's floating around? And people say video games is the reason for all the violence in the world... video games are for taking out frustration in fantasy land, not learning violence from it. Fucking dicks. 9 for 10. Would've been 10 for 10, if not for the arcade version being a bit better, for obvious reasons.


8. NBA Jam: Tournament Edition
Style: Sports/Arcade. A memorable game for one reason... Acclaim made a game that was worth more than half-of-a-shit. Although an addictive game, the cartoony arcade style hasn't aged well with me. You play through tournament mode or whatever as a team of your choice (released before the expansion teams of Toronto and Vancouver). Each "team" consists of 2 guys, with an alternate playerto substitute when another is tired between quarters. For example, the Bulls have B.J. Armstrong, Scottie Pippen, and Tony Kukoc. Pippen/Armstrong are the default starters, but after a quarter, you can put Kukoc in for either of them. For the heck of it, the NYK are represented by Patrick Ewing, Charles Oakley, and John Starks... and look at the T'Wolves of old: Isiah Rider, Christian Laettner, and Doug West. What a lineup. The good news: Once you beat all 26 teams, the rosters "expand" with 2 more players I think. Still too cartoony for me, especially since you can unlock several mascots and even Bill Clinton with certain codes.


9. Road Riot 4WD
Style: Racing. One of the many-many-many-many-many-many-many junky racing games that really have nothing to them. An open road, the occasional cars, some road hazzards, and a timer. There were about 500 of these damn games released on Atari, Nintendo, and Sega, and this one isn't much different, since it was released early in the run of Super NES (a copyright of 1991 printed on the back). I've never really bothered to play this one much, since I got it in a trade for another game that I wouldn't want to mention. N/R


10. Scooby-Doo Mystery
Styles: Platform/Puzzle. Everyone is familiar with Scooby-Doo. A talking dog with the munchies, along with beatnik sidekick Shaggy, fag-scarf wearing Fred, and the bitches of the group, Daphne and Velma. Their a bunch of meddling kids who talk to a dog and get high all the time. Much like the TV series', this game is centered around various "mysteries" at a abandoned ship, a fun park, an out-of-the-way gas station, and a haunted house. I say mysteries because there is no real mystery. Things just happen. Still, a somewhat addictive games with several mini-games, like whack-a-monster, build a sandwich, and evil slides. Good to pass a few hours, but definitely not a great game due to it being very short (4 levels, and the 1st is basically an introduction level). 7 for 10.


11. Spider-Man/X-Men: Arcade Revenge
Style: Adventure/Platform. This game sucks. End of story. 1 for 10.


12. Street Combat:
Company: IRem Entertainment (say it with me... "WHO!?!"). Style: Fighting.
To sum it up in as few words as humanly possible, a major rip-off of popular fighting games of the day, like Street Fight and Mortal Kombat... and if you combine the two, you have Street Kombat. Or Mortal Fight, but that doesn't sound as interesting. Not only is this a bad knock-off, but everything else about the game sucks. There's barely any sound and music other than an ocassionally weak grunt, the controls are terrible (when did jumping go from a directional button to "X" and "A"?), and don't get me started on the graphics. In case anyone here gives half of a damn (and judging by the fact GameFAQs has nearly NOTHING about it on their site), here is the list of "fighters" you can face... Tyrone, Dozo, G.I. Jim, Helmut, Lita, and the big bad boss... C.J. Yeah, not only does this game suck, but the names suck too. I'm sure everyone can identify who is what. Tyrone? He's got to be black. Dozo? Hmm.... G.I. Jim? Helmut? Yikes, this is about as creative as the birth of Mr. Pibb. This game gets a flat out 0 for 10, and if it were possible, even less than that.


13. Super Mario All-Stars:
Styles: Platform. A complete collection of the Mario Brothers games from the NES. Super Mario Bros, Mario Bros. 2, Mario Bros, 3., and the Lost Levels are represented, and in top of the line SNES graphics, too. The Lost Levels, for the unfamiliar, was the original sequel to Mario Brothers, but because of the insanely high difficulty, the game was scrapped for a U.S. release, and instead a japanese game was changed around, adding Mario sprites, and called it Mario Brothers 2. Also, for the first time, each game has a save feature, for those of us who really can't stand having to play a game for 8 hours straight or risk permanent damage leaving a clunker system on day-and-night for God knows how long. 10 for 10 overall, and probably the same for each game included, except for Lost Levels, which is just a pain in the ASS.


14. Super Mario Kart:
Style: Racing. It wasn't the first, but Mario Kart was one of the most memorable and ground breaking "kart" games on the SNES, along with the classic F-Zero. I'm not 100% sure, but this might be the 1st time that Mario characters were used in a game other than the normal game style. Eight characters race for some trophies and stuff... the racers include Mario (duh), Luigi, Princess Toadstool, Toad, Yoshi, Bowser, Donkey Kong Jr., and a Koopa Troopa. There's also plenty of race tracks, including races on the beach Bowser's castle, a Haunted "House", mud pits, and best and most difficult of all, Rainbow Road (with a kickass tune to boot). On top of normal gameplay, you have the choice to play 2P mode in a Battle format, where you and a friend try your best in knocking the shit out of each other with various weapons in exclusive locations. 14 years later, and this game still is awesome to pop in now and then (and can't forget the insane difficulty on the hardest mode). 10 for 10.


15. Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars
Styles: RPG/Adventure. It's Mario R-P-fuckin'-G. I don't have to say anything here. 1000000 for 1000000, and if you need an explanation, go fuck yourself.


16. Super Mario World
Style: Platform. Mario makes his jump to the SNES and back to the dinosaur days, with colorful graphics, awesome levels, and a whole new group of enemies and friends.... okay, just one friend. Yoshi, a dinosaur with an appetite for destruction. King Koopa and his Koopa Kids have returned and stolen the eggs of other dinosaurs. Mario must bust through all their castles, through montains, mines, sunken ships, and donut lands, in order to rescue them all... and I still have yet to see Torpedo Ted in this fucking game! Anyway, my favorite level is probably the Sunken Ship. For whatever reason, I kept thinking it was one of the ships from Mario Bros. 3 (and probably is, but I forgot where I read that). In a move that no longer happens today, Mario World was released along with the actual system. If not, that would've been another $70 out of everyones pocket. 10 for 10.



17. Super Punch-Out!!:
Style: Boxing. After seven long years since the original release of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out on the NES, we finally got the sequel. Sure, the style was a bit different, and some of the boxers were just too out-there to be appreciated, but it's still a pretty good attempt. Instead of Three excelerated speed rounds, there's only one normal length one. The three knockdown rule is in effect again, but if you go the distance, you automatically lose. And Super Mario is NOT the referee here, no doubt still celebrating the success of... well, every Mario game ever made at that point, except for Mario is Missing.

Anyway, you play as... uh... YOU (Little Mac must've retired), and you have to fight your way through FOUR circuits, with four fighters in each (no repeated fighters, either). The Minor Circuit is home to Champion Bald Bull (who appears to have lost 20 fights in a row since the original Punch-Out), Piston Hurricane (Cuba), Bear Hugger (Canada), and Glass Joe's successer, Gabby Joe (who's only victory was against Glass Joe, and obviously French). The Major Circuit includes Mr. Sandman (Champ), Dragon Chan (Hong Kong), Bob Charlie (Jamaica), and Masked Muscle (Mexico). The World Circuit features Super MachoMan (Champ), Aran Ryan (Ireland), Heike Kagero (uh... Japan), and Mad Clown (Italy... and obviously a Pagliacci imitation... I think). Finally, the SPECIAL CIRCUIT, only available once you go undefeated in all other circuits. Here you'll see Narcis Prince (England), Hoy Quarlow (China), and the Bruiser Brothers, Rick and Nick (obvious Mike Tyson rip-offs from Parts Unknown). 8 for 10.


18. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles In Time
Platform: Action. The final TMNT video game released for years under this style. Some may confuse this with the TMNT III movie (a damn shame, since that movie sucked and had production values of a 3rd grade play), but it's basically just the plot of time travel (instigated by Shredder instead of an "egg timer"), but with the TMNT comic characters thrown in as bosses, like Baxter Stockman (fly version), MetalHead, Slash, Rat King, Bebop and Rocksteady, Rahzar and Tokka, Krang, and of course, Super Shredder. Same gameplay as usual. Button mashing slice 'em-dice 'em action against a bunch of incompetant foot soldiers and various other, more difficult enemies, like those pizza monsters that pop out in the sewers. Another game that was a frequent rental for my family back in the day, and a classic to this day. Too bad the newer TMNT games couldn't follow the success of these, with choppy graphics, repetetive phrases, and just flat out boring gameplay. 10 for 10.


19. Tetris & Dr. Mario:
Style: Puzzle. Much like Frogger, if you've played one version of these games, you've played them all. Tetris is basically rearranging bricks so that you don't over-flow with them, and Dr. Mario is the same way, except you line up pills, by color (red, yellow, and blue in the color versions), to destroy the virtus'. Since when did Mario become a doctor anyway? First he's a carpenter, then a plumber. Two jobs that don't exactly scream college education. Then suddenly he's a DOCTOR? Come the fuck on... keep it real man! What next, Surfer Dude Mario? This is the Mario Brothers, not the TMNT figurines of the old days. On a random Tetris note, in this game, the highest total I got to was (I think) 159, which was INSANELY fast. My nerves were totally shot after that one.


20. Tetris 2
Style: Puzzle. Much like previous Tetris games, you have to line up colored and oddly shaped blocks to erase them from the screen, but there's a twist. This time, you line up the blocks in certain spots, rather than just in one straight line, no matter the color. On top of that is a new puzzle mode, where you only get a set number of moves to clear the entire screen, otherwise you fail and must do it again. And if you sucked at it like me, that again can be repeated a few dozen times before a remote control is slammed into the ground or against the wall. 7 for 10.


21. WWF Super WrestleMania:
Style: Sports. After four miserable attempts of video games on NES by Acclaim, they made their first on the SNES with this, which could only be described as a polished up piece of shit. The roster contains 10-wrestlers, including Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, The Undertaker, Jake Roberts, Sid Justice, Ted Dibiase, Hawk, Animal, Earthquake, and Typhoon. Game modes include 1-on-1, 2-on-2, and my favorite, 4-on-4 Survivor Series Match. My brother and me played this game for hours back in the day when we thought it was good... but my God, after playing Royal Rumble, this one sucked dick. Sure, the roster is nice and features all the top names and the Natural Disasters, but the controls stink, there's ZERO sound, and the kicking sounds like flatulence. Add in the fact you can't choose your opponents when facing the CPU, and you lose more fun points. Thank God once Rumble came out, the WWF made very little sucky ass games again. 4 for 10.


22. X-Men: Mutant Apocalypse:
Style: Action. Released by Capcom, that's a good sign this game is fucking awesome. Throw in the gameplay of Double Dragon and TMNT, and you have yourself a winner. You get to choose to play as Wolverine, the Beast, Gambit, Cyclops, and Psylocke through exclusive levels for all of them. Each fighter has specific moves and special. For instance, Wolverine can use his claws to climb up walls and fend off enemies at the same time. On the other hand of things, this game is pretty damn hard, and you only get a few lives before having to start all over again. I've never gone all the way with it, but I'm sure it's probably worth all the foul language that comes with playing it. 9 for 10. (Should I mention the awful Marvel's X-Men game for NES released by, I think, Acclaim?)


Games removed from list due to broken down, sold, or traded over the years: Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (thank God for GBA release), WWF Royal Rumble, Beavis & Butt-Head (Genesis version is better), Yoshi's Island, Super Empire Strikes Back (good, but hard), Super Return of the Jedi (good, but too easy, but the final level is quite awesome/hard for once).

Scrooge's Nintendo Flashback:

Yes, I'm stealing ES' idea from a few months ago, so sue me. It's a free country, doncha' know? Since my NES is basically on it's death bed, I make sure to play it as little as possible... and with some of the games I have for the system, that shouldn't be too hard of a goal to accomplish (especially with free downloads all over the internet.) I'm omitting the Mario Bros. series from the list since they're generally a waste of time to explain why you liked them.


DuckTales: One of many Disney cartoons turned into video games. Uncle Scrooge (no relation) must find rare artifacts from several locations, including the Amazong, the Moon, and a haunted mansion in Transylvania. Basic controls for jumping and what-not, and with enough difficulty to make little kids pissed, but only 6 stages means short life span for more advanced gamers.


Legend of Zelda: We know the deal with this one. Despite being very bland to look at, the Zelda series has yet to stop thanks to it's innovative layout for dungeons... and stuff. Still way too fucking hard unless you have a detailed map for every hidden Dungeon location.


Bases Loaded: For a while, my favorite sports game to play. No real teams or players, but still tons of fun, and challenging enough to keep playing. I also approve of the "game is called if you're up by 10 after the 5th inning rule."


Pinball: Awesome! Totally awesome! Way to go Hamilton... sorry, got caught up in the moment of something. Addictive game despite it being very limited in graphics and depth. It's just Pinball!


Fester's Quest: An Addams Family Game made before the movie, meaning someone must've REALLY loved the TV series that was canceled about 24 years earlier. Super tough game, thanks to weak weapons and tough enemies, and the underground maze's are a bitch.


NFL: I don't even know if this was the actual name of the game, but it's what's printed on the top of the cartridge, so huzzah. Too tough to play, the graphics were shit, and did I mention the controls are totally pathetic? You're better off playing football with wiener dogs.


Chip 'N' Dale Rescue Rangers: Much like DuckTales, a game designed primarily for children, but still fun enough to play as an adult. Who didn't love beating the crap out of those weird little aliens that tranform into Dale like in that episode where the little alien transformed into Dale?


Bump N' Jump: A unique style "racing" game, although there's no racing involved... you just go at fast speeds hoping not to crash into the walls or other obstacles. This used to be the most addictive game for my family back when we got it, and it can still be like that.


Jaws: BLECH! The sub-text on the cartridge: This time it's personnal! Yup, JAWS THE REVENGE was turned into a video game, and like the movie, this one sucks BIG TIME. All you do is shoot at an endless onslaught of jelly fish and sting rays before stabbing an ugly shark with your pole like in the movie. You can easily beat the game in 20 minutes, if you don't try killing yourself first.


Double Dribble: MORE SPORTS! This time you actually have real teams: The LA Lakers, Boston Celtics, NY Knicks, and Michael Jordan... I mean Chicago Bulls, but you only had the key player from each team, so I'm actually right with saying MJ instead of the Bulls. Terrible depth considering you only have 4 teams, and only exhibition mode. Cheap bastards! One bright spot: Random mascot sitings during halftime. When was the Celtics mascot a weird Frog Thing?


Donkey Kong Classics - What a cheap way to make a few more sales... by combining the original Donkey Kong and Donkey Kong Jr. into one game, and marketing it for the same price as an original one. We've all played these two before (I hope), and they're still classic entertainment if you need to kill 15-20 minutes, but longterm playing = repetetive.


Track & Field II - Basically what it sounds like. A bunch of "olympic" events that you can play. For the most part, it's impossible to get good scores on any of the events, meaning even a game of this caliber (not very good) is still impossible to beat.


World Championship Wrestling - The first NWA/WCW game, and in my opinion, the best wrestling game for a home console until the WWF Royal Rumble came out for SNES and Genesis. Everything was very simplified, but running the gauntlet in the championship mode thingy was hell-a fun, and the "Boss Fight" at the end is still a bitch (it's basically a masked Andre The Giant). Thumbs WAY Up... except for spelling Flair and Steiner's names wrong (they swopped the Rick/Ric)


Ice Hockey - I think I mentioned this one a long time ago, but eh, I got time to kill. I haven't played this is in a while, but I think you can only play in exhibition mode, and each team is a country, with randomly assigned players (skinny, medium or fat) filling up the rooster. Good ol' team USA... always a bunch of fat guys for me. There was nothing better than starting brouhaha's and having it all come down to a ShootOut.


Xenophobe - I still don't understand this fucking game. 15 years later.


Bases Loaded: The Second Season - Basically the same game as the original, with different fake teams and players, and the animation is spruced up just a bit. I still prefer the original, probably because it was more player friendly with the controls than this one.


Pac-Man - If you don't know about or have ever played Pac-Man before, you need help. Mucho help. Or I'll stick a yellow pill... thing down your throat, and shove Pac-Man up your ass. And yes, I stole that joke from a Simpsons episode... back when it was still good/entertaining.

WCW SuperBrawl III:

Quickly, there's only a few reasons I want to review this show. Number 1: Sting vs. Vader. That alone is enough to make me go through it, but the other reason is I got the tape for free from MillenniumMan831, so it seems only fair that I sit through and do a review. Anyway, this is the Turner Home Entertainment version, which clips out Erik Watts & Marcus Bagwell vs. The Hollywood Blondes and the Rock N' Roll Express vs. The Heavenly Bodies, on loan from Smokey Mountain Wrestling. I'm sure the latter match was pretty good, but we'll have to suffer through some other crap instead.


- Originally broadcasted from the Asheville Civic Center in Ashville, North Carolina on February 21st, 1993. Commentary is being done by Tony Schiavone and Jesse "the Body" Ventura, so that means I can get away without having to mute the television for two hours.


- 2 Cold Scorpio vs. Chris Benoit:
No backstory here that I can think of. This is Benoit's WCW PPV Debut, and Scorpio was fairly new to WCW as well if my memory isn't fucking with me. This match is available on the Chris Benoit DVD, but that edits out Ventura's commentary, totally throwing off the match to me with the random cuts of Schiavone talking to "himself." Lockup into the ropes to start, and we get a clean break. Lockup #2 goes into the ropes as well, and Benoit with an elbow to the midsection. Irish whip, and Benoit puts Scorpio down with a charging back elbow, followed by a snap suplex. Irish whip to the corner, and Scorpio comes back out with a twisting cross body from the top rope. Scorpio with a dropkick and spinning heel kick to send Benoit out of the ring. Lockup again, and Benoit applies a wristlock. Scorpio kips up into a counter, but Benoit returns the favor with an equally complex counter. Scorpio and Benoit go through an even more complicated one, culminating in Benoit taking Scorpio down to the canvas. Scorpio with some assitance of the ropes to counter again and taking Benoit over with a modified northern lights suplex before going back to work on the arm. Scorpio snaps back on the arms of Benoit from a hammerlock position. Benoit battles back up into a hammerlock of his own, but Scorpio floats over the head to escape. Criss-cross sequence ends with Scorpio taking Benoit over with a Japanese arm-drag, sending him out of the ring once again. Back in the ring, and we get a Greco-Roman knucklelock. Scorpio controls, but Benoit powers back up. Scorpio blocks a pin-attempt despite Benoit using the weight of his body to try and pin him down. Scorpio and Benoit with another complex series of counters until Scorpio takes him down with a dropkick and arm drag. Scorpio goes back to working on the arm. Scorpio drops a leg across the left arm of Benoit and reapplies the armbar. Benoit fights free of the hold with forearm shots. Benoit with a double leg sweep, but Scorpio escapes. More counters leads to Scorpio taking over Benoit into more arm work. Benoit with a knee to the midsection to escape and rams Scorpio into the turnbuckle. Irish whip, and a criss-cross sequence leads to Benoit fucking under a spinning heel kick and drilling Scorpio with a stiff clothesline. Irish whip, and Benoit puts Scorpio back down with a charging clothesline. Benoit with a side back breaker, and keeps Scorpio in the position with a submission. Scorpio escapes with unbabyface-like tactics, but Benoit remains in control. Snapmare into a reverse chinlock by Benoit. Benoit suplexes Scorpio across the top rope and stomps him out of the ring. Scorpio blocks being sent into the turnbuckle and comes off the top rope, missing a dropkick. Benoit covers for a two count then goes back to the chinlock. Scorpio with a series of elbows into the midsection to escape, but runs right into a spinebuster. Benoit turns him over into a Boston crab, which looks a bit more like the bastardized Liontamer. Benoit with a snapmare and once again goes to the reverse chinlock. Benoit hammers away on Scorpio and sets him up on the top turnbuckle. Benoit takes Scorpio down with a super back suplex, hurting himself in the process. Nice little touch, there. Benoit recovers, but the pin attempt only gets a two count. Benoit with a side Russian leg sweep for another two count. Scorpio counters a back suplex into a cross body for a two count of his own. Benoit comes back with a Powerbomb, but that again only gets two. Scorpio escapes a gut-wrench slam with a sloppy sunset flip. Irish whip to the corner, and Benoit runs into the knee of Scorpio. Scorpio connects with an enziguri, but doesn't go for a pin. Irish whip, and Scorpio nails Benoit with a clothesline after missing two spinning heel kicks. Irish whip to the corner, and Scorpio nails a modified Stinger Splash. Scorpio heads up to the top rope, and connects with a modified star press, for a two count. Scorpio tries a victory roll, but Benoit slams him face-first into the canvas. Scoop slam by Benoit, and he comes off the second turnbuckle with a leg drop for a two count. Scorpio with a small package for a two count. Benoit tries a German suplex, but Scorpio rolls free and cradles Benoit for the three count at 18:19 (annnounced as 19:59). ****1/4 Damn good match that I couldn't appreciate with the goofy WWE Video Edits. Although the middle portion was a little heavy on the resting (more notably by Benoit than Scorpio), the first 10 or so minutes of good chain wrestling and the last 5 minutes of both men going balls out to win make up for it. Naturally, Benoit remained a "show up now and then" guy while Scorpio went on to win the tag titles for a week with Bagwell later in the year before going back to working everywhere but WWF (until his lame-ass run as Flash Funk in 1996-97).


- "The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith vs. Wild Bill Irwin:
Davey Boy is fresh off his second run with the WWF, making his first PPV Appearence in WCW (or maybe Debut, period, judging by Schiavone's commentary). Bill Irwin was nothing more than Talent Enhancement, a.k.a a Jobber to the Stars, a.k.a someone who has no chance in hell of winning. Most fans might recognize him as "The Goon" in the WWF from 1996. Lockup to start, and Bulldog shoves Irwin into the ropes. Irwin applies an overhead wristlock, but Bulldog is too strong, and powers out with little effort. Lockup into the ropes, and Irwin with some shots to the midsection. Irish whip, and Bulldog puts him down with a series of shoulder tackles. A criss-cross sequence ends with Davey Boy clothesling Irwin out over the top rope, which is a Disqualification in WCW. Bulldog with a gorilla press slam, and Irwin falls out of the ring again. Back in the ring, and Irwin applies a standing side headlock. Bulldog with another escape and a shoulder block puts him down. Irwin applies a wristlock and beats Davey Boy down to the canvas. Irish whip to the corner, and Irwin follows in with a clothesline. I should note the crowd is pretty dead for this. Irwin does more nothing and applies a reverse chinlock. Bulldog fights back with a slugest and busts out his next signature move, the delay vertical suplex. Irish whip, and Bulldog nails a clothesline for a two count. Irish whip to the corner, and Bulldog runs into a boot. Irwin goes to the second rope, but jumps into the arms of Bulldog, and the running powerslam ends this shit at 5:49. 1/2* For a basic squash match, this went on way too long. Bulldog should've won in about three minutes at most.


- Weird clip from the White Castle of Doom stuff that WCW put on around this time, but we quickly cut to Eric Bischoff getting an interview from Paul Orndorff. I'll ignore this one, since all it does is set up the next match...


- Falls Count Anywhere Match:
Cactus Jack vs. "Mr. Wondeful" Paul Orndorff:
Like most WCW shows, I don't really know the backstory for this, and naturally, WCW's Home Video clips out anything that might give someone an idea of what the hell is going on. Cactus scares Orndorff down the aisle with a shovel before the match begins. Orndorff with a boot to the head and some roundhouse rights. Orndorff introduces Cactus into the security railing and chokes him down with a camera cable. Blech, even in 1993, Orndorff's right arm looked fucking disgusting. Cactus comes back with punches and a headbutt, then returns the favor of being rammed into the rail. Cactus removes one of the paddings on the outside and slams Orndorff on the exposed concrete. Cactus with a running elbow drop, but not the cool version from the apron. That only gets a two count. Cactus heads up to the apron, then climbs up the ropes. Cactus with a sunset flip from the second turnbuckle to the outside! Holy Shit! That only gets two. Orndorff comes back by stomping tha McDonalds out of Cactus. Into the ring for the first time of the match, and Orndorff continues having soccer practice with Cactus Jack's body. Irish whip, and Orndorff puts Jack down with a clothesline. Orndorff continues to control and dumps Jack out of the ring. Orndorff comes off the apron with an elbow to the back of the head and leads Jack up the aisle. Orndoff whips Jack into the security railing, and Jack does a tumble over TWO of them. Jack comes back to exchange rights then dumps Orndorff back onto the aisle. Orndorff comes back and suplexes Cactus across the rail! That had to hurt. Orndorff continues bashing Jck into the steel and works over the right knee while Cactus is trapped under neath. Back to the ring area, and Cactus eats more steel. Orndorff heads up to the top rope and comes off with a sledge. Orndorff goes back to the injured knee of Cactus, then suplexes him over the top rope and onto the apron. Orndorff struggles to remove the knee brace from Cactus' leg, but manages to apply the Figure-Four leglock. Orndorff uses the ropes for leverage, which is technically legal in a match with no DQ's. Cactus escapes the hold by pounding away on Orndorff. Jack stumbles around a bit, allowing Orndorff to send him back out of the ring with a clothesline. Orndorff bashes the knee of Cactus against the concrete. This match is starting to drag pretty badly right now. Orndoff knocks Cactus off the apron with the knee brace, and Cactus lands on the outside on the back of his head. Ouch... Orndorff brings a steel chair into the ring and smacks it against the knee of Cactus. He sure is taking a good beating in this match. Orndorff calls for the piledriver and does his Hogan routine, allowing Cactus to recover and smash him good with the shovel, and gets the pin out of nowhere at 12:18. ** Some cool spots from Orndorff throughout and Cactus taking a beating is always some great fun, but the match dragged on way too much, and felt more like an extended Orndorff squash for the most part. Nothing bad, but I wouldn't go out of my way to see this either.


- WCW United States Championship Match:
Dustin Rhodes © vs. Maxx Payne:
Payne is a replacement for Ron Simmons, according to the PWI Almanac. Maxx Payne is a suck-ass worker, and his only other notable run (or as notable as you can call it) was in the WWF as Man Mountain Rock in 1995. Definitely one of those "blink and you won't care about missing him" guys that thankfully hasn't been seen much since then. Dustin Rhodes is one of those criminally underrated workers who gets unnecessary shit for being Dusty's son, but no one can get a good match out of Payne. I just pray to God this is short, since I'm reviewing this match on first viewing, something I don't like to do with older wrestling shows. Lockup, and Payne with a shot to the throat. Dustin comes back with a flurry of rights, sending Payne out of the ring. Irish whip, and Dustin comes off the ropes with a diving clothesline. Payne looks like some shitty Indy wrestler with generic tights and an ugly physique. No wonder he didn't catch on anywhere. Back in the ring, and Rhodes applies a side headlock. Irish whip to escape, and Rhodes with a roll up for a two count. Rhodes with an arm drag takeover, sending Payne out of the ring again. Back in the ring again, and Dustin applies a wristlock, then moves into an armbar. Payne escapes with a series of knees to the midsection, and a crisscross leads to Dustin taking over Payne with another arm drag. Dustin foes back to work with the armbar. Payne takes Dustin into the corner, but misses a charge, and Rhodes takes him over and once more works the armbar. Payne escapes again, this time with a rake of the eyes, and pounds away on Dustin in the corner. Payne with a snapmare, but he misses a whatever off the ropes, and Dustin continues working over the arm with wristlocks and armbars. Irish whip to the corner, and Payne catches Dustin coming in with a back elbow, and covers for a two count. Dustin boots Payne in the corner to return the favor and hammers away some more. Payne jerks on the arm of Dustin to take control again, and works the armbar in. Dustin counters (eventually) with a head scissors, but Payne is bringing the suck like no one else on this PPV. Nothing of note happens for a few minutes, so I hit Fast Forward. Payne with a scoop slam, but he misses an elbow drop. Dustin with some boots to the midsection, followed by roundhouse rights. Irish whip, and Dustin connects with a lariat. Dustin with a suplex, but that only gets a two count. Dustin applies an abdominal stretch, but he doesn't have it hooked on properly. We get a referee bump from Payne then dumps Dustin over the top rope, drawing a Disqualification at 11:29, giving Dustin the win and to retain. 1/4* Really bad and boring match. Dustin tried for the first few minutes, but probably realized it's a lost cause and went to non-stop resting. They continue fighting after the bell, with Dustin showing that you don't go messin' with a country boy... wait, wrong family.


- Ric Flair makes his return to World Championship Wrestling after spending 18 months in the WWF. However, a special contract by WWF releasing him from the company forced Flair into a no compete length of nearly half of 1993. Odd how this was the only true interview to make the cut from this show. Flair apparently joins the commentary team for the next match. WOO! WOO!


- NWA World Heavyweight Championship Match:
The Great Muta © vs. Barry Windham:
I don't know or care about the "other" Championship belt here, since it'll probably give me a headache to try and make sense of it. I don't expect much out of this match... Muta has always been a lazy worker in WCW, and Windham was on a downward spiral of his career by this point. During his prime, he was considered one of the best workers in wrestling, and by 1994, he was nothing more than a shell of his former 'self. By 1997, he was complete dog shit, and finally during his last WCW Run, one of the worst workers in the company. Life sucks, doesn't it? Lockup to start, and Muta with a go-behind waistlock. Lockup #2 goes into the corner, and we get a clean break. The Test-of-Strength goes in Windham's favor. Muta fights back up to his feet, but Windham takes him over with a modified suplex. Muta with a standing side headlock. Irish whip to escape, and Muta puts Windham down with a shoulder block followed by a spinning heel kick. Muta takes Windham over and back into the side headlock. Windham tries powering out, but Muta keeps the hold applied. This goes on for way too fucking long. Windham finally break free, but gets nailed with a dropkick and Muta goes back to the side headlock. Windham takes control in the corner, but Muta blocks a suplex attempt and takes Windham over with one of his own. Muta with a snapmare followed by the twisting elbow drop, then back to the headlock. BOR-ING! BOR-ING! They fight over an overhead wristlock and Muta continues controlling with a headlock. Windham FINALLY gets an offensive string and plants Muta with the DDT. Windham hammers away on Muta with big rights, sending him out of the ring. Windham follows out and puts Muta down with a back suplex on the outside. Windham brings Muta back into the ring with a suplex for a two count. Scoop slam by Windham, and he comes out of the corner with a knee drop across the forehead for another two count. Irish whip, and Windham catches Muta in a sleeper hold. Windham starts using the ropes for leverage, even though I think he's a babyface here. Windham keeps that going for a while, then pounds away on Muta some more. END THIS FUCKING MATCH ALREADY! Windham with a gut-wrench suplex for a two count. Muta gets dumped outside of the ring again, and Windham bitch slaps him. Back in the ring, and Muta trades blows with Windham. He rakes the eyes of Muta to keep in control, and puts him down with a scoop slam. Windham with an elbow drop for a two count. Reverse chinlock applied, and I hit FF>> once again. Muta fights out with elbows to the midsection, but a sunset flip doesn't go his way. Irish whip, and Muta comes off the ropes with a cross body press for a two count. Windham remains in control, however, pounding away in the corner. Muta escapes a piledriver attempt with a back suplex. Windham sets up Muta on the top turnbuckle for the Superplex, but Muta fights it off and knocks Windham back down to the canvas. Muta with a chop from the top rope, followed by a handspring elbow in the corner. Muta with a back breaker, and he goes to the top rope. The moonsault misses, but Muta manages to connect with a back suplex. Muta misses another moonsault. Windham floors him with a clothesline, then finishes him off with the DDT to win the Championship at 24:08. 1/2* That was one of the most boring World Title matches I have ever seen, and is a fucking shame considering what talent these two men had in there careers. The first 12 minutes was literally all headlocks, and then Windham slowed it down even more instead of picking up the slack for Muta, who was quite clearly dogging it. After the match, Flair presents the title to Windham, but Windham is having none of that.


- Non-Sanctioned Lights Out Leather Strap Match:
Sting vs. Big Van Vader (w/ Harley Race):
Short and simple... they hate each others guts. For those that need a little boing up... Vader beat the every loving shit out of Sting lead up to the Great American Bash '92, where he (Vader) won his first World Title. At Starrcade later that year, Sting beat Vader to win the worthless "King of Cable" trophy. If WWE were booking today, this would be the "rubber match." Vader is the reigning World Champion, but this isn't sanctioned by WCW, so it's Non-Title. Feeling out process with the strap, and Vader pulls Sting across the ring. Repeat. We get some smack talking, so Vader pulls Sting right into a clothesline. Vader with an elbow drop to the midsection of Sting, then some more trash talking. Vader drops another elbow, this time to the questionable area. Vader starts whipping Sting with the strap. Vader heads up to the second turnbuckle and comes off with a big splash. Vader poses more, but Sting recovers, and uses the strap to have Vader hit himself in the balls. Sting hammers away on Vader with big rights. Sting heads up to the second turnbuckle, but instead comes down and nails an enziguri. Sting heads back up and comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Sting climbs up to the top in a manner to avoid getting the strap tangled in the ropes, and comes off with his own splash. Sting heads up top once more and comes off with another splash. Sting undoes Vader's singlet and starts whipping the crap out of Vader. Those looked fucking brutal, and we'll see later how bad they were, considering Vader had blood all over his back following these shots. Well, you got to fight fire with fire when fighting Vader. Sting takes a shot at Race, allowing Vader to roll out of the ring. Sting follows out and uses the strap to pull Vader into the ring post several times. Nice shot of Vader's back, covered in blood. Sting slams Vader on the outside and starts touching the ring posts, but Vader cuts him off after 2 by ramming Sting face-first into the security rail. Back into the ring, and Sting puts Vader down with a Samoan drop. Sting charges the corner, but runs into several of Vader's standing splashes. Vader calls for the Powerbomb, but Sting escapes with a back drop. Sting goes to the top rope once again, but this time misses the splash. That's what happens when you go to the well one too many times. Vader comes off the ropes and comes down with a splash. Vader pounds away on Sting with some nice looking shots. That's what you get for whipping the skin off my back! Vader picks up Sting onto his shoulders and returns the favor of the Samoan drop. Vader heads up to the second rope and connects with the Vader-Bomb. Vader goes back to whipping Sting, but I think the ones Sting gave were a lot tougher looking. Vader puts Sting back on his shoulders and climbs up the ropes with him. ULTIMATE SAMOAN DROP! Vader starts going to the corners now, but Sting breaks it up with a kick to the head. Vader goes back to work on Sting and heads up to the top again, but Sting rolls away from the Vader-Bomb. Vader heads up to the top again, but forgets about the strap for a second. Sting manages to recover in time to crotch Vader on the top turnbuckle, then uses the strap to pull Vader off the top and into the center of the ring. They exchange blows down on the canvas, with Sting coming out the winner in that exchange. Vader rakes the eyes to take control again and sets Sting up on the top turnbuckle. Vader follows up and takes Sting over with a Super-Plex. Vader again tries for the four corners, but Sting once again breaks it with a kick to the face. Vader with his usual brutal blows in the corner, and right now Sting is spaghetti-legged. Vader pulls Sting by the strap into a standing splash, but he tries it too many times, and Sting comes out of nowhere with a wheel kick to the side of the head! Sting fights back with elbows and rights, and takes Vader down with a release German suplex. Sting with a DDT, followed by stiff sounded blows in the corner, a grand total of 17 instead of 10. Looks like Sting is bleeding hard-way, but the camera angle sucks. Sting pulls off the mask of Vader and scoops him up on his shoulders, which knocks out the referee. Sting touches three corners, but trips over the referee on the way to the fourth. It doesn't matter though, since the referee is out. Now Vader is busted open, bleeding from his left ear. Jesus Christ, these two are really killing each other here. Vader bounces off the ropes with a sit-down splash across the chest of Sting. Vader drags Sting by the foot to all four corners, and on the forth, Sting kicks Vader into the corner, giving him the most anti-climatic win ever at 20:55. Sting isn't done though, and after the match begins whipping the shit out of Vader just for the hell of it. Damn, he sure has a mean streak in him. **** Another great match in a series of them from Vader and Sting, but I still go by my decision that their match from the 1992 Great American Bash was better. A brutal David vs. Goliath match that for once incorporated the strap into the match without looking too pathetic or contrived. And for once, Vader got a taste of his own medcine, being busted hard-way from the ear and having his back ripped to shreads by the leather strap. I think this match proved that Sting could fight fire with fire, toe to toe with Vader, because it feels that in their previous matches, Sting tried (failed) strategies of hit and run and trying to have Vader wear himself out by throwing so many punches.


Final Thoughts: Going by the T.H.E. version of the show, it opens and closes with two great (and long) matches. Benoit/Scorpio is a nice match that shows that you can get over in the undercard without getting God pushes and Sting/Vader is always an awesome match, even if they had better than from this show. However, those two matches sandwich a bunch of crap. Mild Recommendation for the Turner Video version here, but a Strong Recommendation for the full PPV version, which has a great RnR/Bodies match.

WWF Wrestlefest 1988:

WWF WrestleFest '88


- Much like the Big Event held in August of 1986, Wrestlefest '88 was a supercard meant for the live audience only, but ticket sales were large enough to justify recording it for Coliseum Video, with commentary added in afterwards. Taped from Milwaukee, Wisconsin in the latter part of July 1988, with the wonderful combination of Sean Mooney, Lord Alred Hayes, and Superstar Billy Graham on the call. And people thought Coach and Todd Grisham were bad...


NOTE: The outdoor atmosphere has always been a guilty pleasure of mine, so I'll probably be more generous. Also, several matches are cut out, most notably Randy Savage defending the title against Ted Dibiase. In a weird decision, the match in question ended up being on the Macho Madness video, but since I don't have it, I won't review it as part of this show.


- The Killer Bees vs. The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers:
(B. Brian Blair & Jumpin' Jim Brunzell vs. Jacques & Raymond Rougeau)
Pretty much all of the matches held have little to no build up, much like any other typical arena show from the time. The Bees have some weird looking short/tights (see: Triple H circa Summer of 2002 for an example), and Brunzell looks a bit pudgy (noted by Hayes). The Rougeaus had just turned heel, but don't have Jimmy Hart, theme music, or an American residance yet. Your usual tag team formula match... the faces control with hot tags and work the arm for 7-8 minutes, the heels cheat to take control for the next 5-6 minutes, then it's time for the hot finish... and I pretty much described the whole match. I'm a bit of a Bee mark, but they needed to be in the ring with a great team or people they had good chemistry with to have great matches, and the Rougeaus don't fall under that statement. It's all action towards the end as Brunzell manages to throw his signature dropkick, but it only gets two thanks to Raymond. Blair gets sent out of the ring by the referee, allowing Raymond to kick Brunzell in the balls, and Jacques falls on top for the three count at 13:58. That sure as hell came out of nowhere, and what a way to job. This might've been the last "major" appearence of Blair and Brunzell as a team, as they went their seperate ways briefly in September until Blair left the company and Brunzell hung arounf jobbing like nuts until 1993. (**1/4)


- Bret "Hitman" Hart vs. Bad News Brown:
Weird, I thought this feud was over with once the Hart Foundation (officially) turned babyface and entered into a feud with Jimmy Hart and his endless supply of Tag Teams. Anyway, to give a backstory to this, back at WrestleMania IV, Brown conned Hart into a partnership before turning on him to win the thing, then Bret beat up Brown and smashed his trophy. This went nowhere on T.V. from what I've seen, but they had some good matches. In one of those "for once it makes sense" moments, Bret Hart has his sunglasses on OUTDOORS instead of inside an arena with no sun in site. Way too short here, but with a few cute spots, like Bret Hart popping up out of nowhere to throw Brown off the top rope (a spot Angle has done countless times over the years), and Hart ducking the Ghetto Blaster. Everything else is your typical Brown brawl with great bumping from Hart (as usual). Hart with several near-falls off of a cross body, sunset flip, and a back breaker, but Brown ends up reversing a roll-up, and pulls the tights for leverage for the three count at 6:26. After the match, Jim Neidhart comes down to ringside to help gain a measure of revenge for the Hitman. Like I said already, a good match, but way too short for what they had to offer. (***)


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
The Honkytonk Man © (w/ Jimmy Hart) vs. "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan:
Ew.... Honkytonk Man's run as the champions was on the clock at this point, less than a month away from SummerSlam. However, his opponent was still scheduled to be Brutus Beefcake, so no one saw the Warrior coming out of the wood work to take the belt in 31 seconds. Lord Alfred gives out a pretty pathetic "hooo" on commentary, cracking Graham's shit up. The usual match you'd expect from these two... Duggan controls with his numerous forms of punching and screaming "Hoooo" while Honky plays the chicken-shit heel who only controls after using illegal methods, like for example, poking Duggan in his good eye, or maybe stomping on his toes. Who cares, though, and did anyone notice me working in a Bobby Heenan joke? Duggan manages to comeback with his crappy offense, but Jimmy Hart hooks the leg of Duggan during the 3-point stance clothesline, and that's a Disqualification at 4:38. At least Jimmy wasn't a lazy schmuck, running around the ring to do the spot, instead of having Duggan come to him. After the match, Duggan clears the ring with his trusty 2x4. Bad match, but at least it was kept short. (1/2*)


- The Powers of Pain vs. The Bolsheviks:
(The Warlord & The Barbarian vs. Nikolai Volkoff & Boris Zhukov)
This one is fairly early in the run of the Powers of Pain in the WWF, who had jumped from the NWA only about 6 weeks earlier (no doubt afraid as shit of a potential Scaffold Match booked against the Road Warriors). The Bolsheviks are Slick-less for the match, but I'm sure they still had him as a manager until Volkoff took time off after the Royal Rumble and Zhukov became the Koko B. Ware of the heel locker room (as in jobbing every week to a midcarder). No idea who the hell booked this one, since it goes much too long for something that should've been nothing more than a Squash. The PoP are pretty over for two guys who spent the majority of their careers as heels. That's pretty much where the compliments end for this match. The PoP dominate with a very basic set of moves that includes plenty of slams, and they spend maybe 20 seconds of the match getting beat up. Onto the finish, where the Warlord plants Volkoff with a running powerslam and the Barbarian comes off the top with a diving headbutt for the three count at 6:47. Sadly, they would have a rematch at SummerSlam '88, which wasn't much better, and had practically the same result. They would also debut their first of many managers (Mr. Fuji, Bobby Heenan, Slick, Harvey Wippleman, and Afa/Lou Albano) in the form of the Baron (formerly Baron von Rashke). (DUD)


- Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart vs. "Leaping" Lanny Poffo:
Despite working primarily as a babyface jobber for the last couple of years, Poffo gets a heel reaction. He makes sure to read a poem before the match and toss several frisbees to the crowd to kiss up. Anvil tries a sneak attack (so he was still playing a heel?), but Poffo cuts him off with a sidekick to the midsection and some rights. Poffo goes for the Honor Roll (a early form of the moonsault) 25 seconds into the match, but Neidhart gets the knees up. It's basically a quick squash match from now on, with Neidhart controlling with his usual shitty offense and finishes Poffo off with the powerslam at 2:35. Rather pointless match to put on this show, I would say. Couldn't they find a better opponent for the Anvil than Lanny fuckin' Poffo? And what the hell was with this? I'm more than positive the Hart Foundation turned face at this point, but Neidhart was playing the heel here, after playing a babyface earlier in the card! Logic in Wrestling... (DUD)


- Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. "Ravishing" Rick Rude:
By this point, the Cheryl Roberts angle had begun, which started when Rude picked her at random for his post-match Rude Awakening (kissing a woman in the crowd after his matches), and Roberts got pissed off when Rude was getting a bit too physical when Cheryl refused the advances. Definitely one of those "the angle out-classes the matches", considering these two worked for months together, and had plenty of crappy matches. If you've seen one Roberts/Rude match, you've seen them all: Roberts cleans Rude's clock with a succession of punches and clotheslines, Rude cheats and controls with some various crappy rest-holds, including a 3-minute chinlock, and then the big finish comes when the entire crowd anyone watching is dead, with a shitty finish to boot. My description before watching the match is dead-on-balls accurate too. After all of that crap, Rude decides to take a walk, but Roberts doesn't want that cheap win, and beats him up the aisle until both men are Counted-Out at 15:44. After the match, Roberts unleashes the fury of Damion, and really, that's all babyface Jake Roberts had going for him. He's a much better heel who has that evil charm to him. As for Rude, I point out this feud for a reason why I thought he was a crap wrestler. Roberts was hardly a great wrestler, but the guy looked really lazy as shit with his constant resting. Maybe if the matches were 50 minutes long I can understand, but most of them were in the 10-15 minute neighborhood. It shouldn't be that hard to come up with something to build up suspense in a match with Jake the Snake, the master of ring psychology. (-*)


- Weasel Suit Match:
The Ultimate Warrior vs. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan:
By this point of the show, the sun has set and now it looks more like a regular arena rather than something like WrestleMania IX (or a baseball stadium). One guess who wins this one. The stipulations of the match state that the loser must wear a Weasel suit after the match. The suit in question is designed to fit Bobby Heenan... I guess there's another hint on who is winning. Heenan of course, plays the cowardly heel, and who can blame him? He's wrestling the Ultimate Maniac. Warrior pounds away on Heenan for a few minutes after a little bit of a game of Cat-and-Mouse. Warrior ends up putting Heenan out for the night with a Sleeper Hold for the victory at 4:59. Woah, the Warrior actually using a wrestling hold to win a match! That's one of the most surprising moments of the night! Afterwards, Warrior puts the Weasel Suit on Heenan, who is playing unconcious. Heenan finally comes to, and does a bit of comedy chasing his own tail and tumbling around all over the place in embarassment. Really funny finish to make up for the obvious lack of action. (1/2*)


- WWF Tag Team Championship Match:
Demolition © (w/ Mr. Fuji) vs. The British Bulldogs:
(Ax & Smash vs. Davey Boy Smith & The Dynamite Kid)
At this point of their run, the Bulldogs were coming close to the end of their run in the WWF, and Dynamite Kid was such a shell of his former 'self at this point thanks to injuries and risky bumps over the course of his career that you can't hope for any great miracle carry job or whatever phrase you want to use. A few weeks before this show (in television time), Demolition put Rick Martel on the shelf on PrimeTime Wrestling, so they had some good momentum coming into this part of their title reign. Lord Alfred naturally favors the Bulldogs, which allows SuperStar Graham to keep bringing it up on commentary. Since it's in my contract, I must mention how awesome Demolition's theme music was during this time frame. The Bulldogs are missing their bitch, but I doubt anyone cares. Fun match considering the lack of talent in Demolition, but nothing special. Bulldogs do their best for a wrestling match while Demolition do their traditional brawling and ugly looking chinlocks. Rather short match, too, something that would seem better fit for Saturday Night's Main Event than an Arena Show. The usual finish of a Demolition match... all hell breaks loose, Ax bashes Dynamite good with a cane, and Smash covers for the three count at 7:09. That finish happend A LOT in 1988, didn't it? (**)


- Ken Patera vs. Dino Bravo:
I'm going to re-use the same joke: If you've seen one Ken Patera match from 1987-88, you've seen them all. The guy is a terrible babyface and the finishes to all of his matches usually include him missing a charge into the corner and being nailed by his opponents finishing move a few moments later. It happend against Bad News, Ron Bass, and Rick Rude to name a few from the last month of his run. Bravo comes to the ring by himself... where have all the Managers gone? They go through the motions of the 50 matches they've had in 1988. Patera controls for a few minutes, gets beaten up for a minute, comes back, misses a charge, and bam, he loses. In this case, he only controls for about 90 seconds, since they're pretty rushed for time. As expected, Patera misses a charge, Bravo nails a clothesline, and finishes Patera off with a Side Suplex at 3:28. I think four people over in Jordan didn't see that finish coming from a mile away. (1/4*)


- Steel Cage Match:
Hulk Hogan vs. Andre The Giant (w/ Bobby Heenan):
It's now time for the Main Event of WrestleFest '88, and obviously part of the Mega Powers/Mega Bucks feud going on to build up for SummerSlam four weeks later. Cage matches are generally a good idea to mask the weakness of a poor wrestler, but Andre was so fucking done at this point of his career, you could've put him in the ring with Randy Savage, Jake Roberts, Bret Hart, and Jesus at the same time and it would still suck. Just to point out something worthless, Andre is almost as tall as the cage, shooting down the "15-foot high" bullshit. Hogan has on his road colors of red and yellow shirt instead of the traditional yellow and red. I think I just stole a joke from someone, but the hell if I can remember who. About as bad of a match as you expect, of course. Andre isn't capable of much outside of headbutts, choking, and the occasional punch, and since Hogan was never Mr. Workrate to begin with, he's not good enough to even get a 1-star match out of Andre, let alone something good. This match just drags on and on and on... making me long for the rumored Hulk Hogan vs. Zeus singles match that never got to happen in a WWF ring, so I'll watch Rip vs. Zeus instead. After going through every circle of hell four times, the match finally comes to an end when Hogan ties up Andre in the ropes (who actually was climbing the cage!), beats up Heenan for no reason, and climbs out for the victory at 10:03... then Hogan revives the referee who was knocked out outside of the ring. So who called for the bell? Logic in Wrestling... And I just stole another joke from someone! Hogan does a posedown to make the crowd happy and not throw flaming garbage into the ring after this stinker. (-**)


Final Thoughts: After the first few matches (which weren't that great to begin with), this show really takes a nose-dive down to hell. A couple of anti-classic negative star worthy matches, a pointless squash, and some other long and dull matches make this a skipable show. Recommended to Avoid unless you're a completionist like me and must have every WWF tape possible, no matter how bad most of the wrestling is.

WWF Saturday Night's Main Event - April 28th, 1990:

- My random tape selection bad luck continues, as it was a toss-up between this or Bloopers, Bleeps, and Bodyslams (1st ever Coliseum Video), Best of the WWF Vol. 5, Best of the WWF Vol. 13, Piledriver Music Videos, or High Flyers. I was thinking about doing the last one since it's only an hour, but I'm sure this one will get more hits. We're four weeks removed from WrestleMania VI, featuring Warrior/Hogan and a hell of a lot of nothing else worth noting here.


- The show opens with quick promos from the new WWF Champion, The Ultimate Warrior, his opponent Haku and manager Bobby Heenan, Mr. Perfect and the Genius, and of course, the Immortal... HUUUUUUUUUUULK Hogan. Hogan with a really lame promo about sending the Genius to the dunce corner and Perfect to the Principals office when Professor Hogan is done with them. Then onto the awesome opening... I liked the Obsession theme better myself, but this one isn't too bad. As usual with almost every Saturday Night's Main Event, the commentary team consists of Vince McMahon and Jesse "the Body" Ventura, who are dressed up like cowboys for no apparent reason. Was it a Salute to John Wayne Night or something?


- Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. Perfect (w/ The Genius):
These two had a program going on through the late Fall of 1989 and early Winter of 1990 which began with Perfect smashing up Hogan's title belt on the November '89 Saturday Night's Main Event (and creating the Hardcore Title in the process), but that went nowhere in favor of the much more suitable money match in the form of Hogan vs. Warrior. I guess you could call this the blowoff to the feud, despite it not going anywhere since the previous Saturday Night's Main Event (January version, not the Main Event Special) which was used to push Hogan/Warrior instead of Hogan/Perfect. Before the match, Sean Mooney interviews Mr. Perfect and the Genius, who toy around with Mooney a bit. Gene Okerlund interviews Hulk Hogan next, and it's your typical Hogan promo. In a continuity error, Hogan has a bandana and no shirt on during the interview, but comes out with a simple headband and t-shirt. There must be a canned heat machine going on, because the crowd was going nuts while in the action of sitting down. Perfect spends the first few minutes doing a "hide outside the ring" game, but Professor Hogan won't allow slacking off. Hogan controls with his usual offensive tactics, and Perfect makes sure to bump his ass off. The Genius gets in the way of things, allowing Perfect to bash Hogan with the Scroll™. Perfect controls for the next few minutes, but the Perfect-Plex only gets a two count. Hulk Up Time! Punch-punch-punch-big boot-leg drop and Hogan picks up the victory at 7:58. After the match, Hogan makes the Genius (wearing a poofy wig) his bitch and slams him over the top rope, a spot no doubt stolen from his brother. Decent TV match, but it really didn't go anywhere. It was all "Hogan does stuff, then Perfect does stuff until Hogan makes his big comeback." In short, a very lack-luster match. (*)


- The Mountain Dew Slam of the Night presented by Sean Mooney: The Macho King Randy Savage with his signature double axehandle to the outside of the ring and the flying elbow drop to finish his opponent off. So... where's the SLAM? After that we get Rick Martel pimping his new "Arrogance" cologne. A few more of these would air throughout the show, so I'm ignoring them.


- Hillbilly Jim vs. Earthquake (w/ Jimmy Hart):
Where the hell did Hillbilly Jim come from? I could've sworn the bastard "retired" again in the summer of 1989 after doing more jobs where non-hosses pulled on his pants to score a victory. Backstage we go with Jesse Ventura to interview Earthquake, who no doubt promises to make HBJ squeal like a piggy. Then we go to Gene Okerlund to interview Hillbilly Jim, who cuts a pretty fucking bad promo about playing with his pigs growing up. Earthquake tries a sneak attack, but HBJ side-steps him and hammers away with clubbering blows. Earthquake comes back with some of his own and squashes HBJ in the corner. HBJ tries forcing Earthquake to toss his salad in the corner, then pulls off the Bee-Ear-Smack. Jimmy Hart climbs on the apron to play with the Lucky Horse-Shoe™, allowing Earthquake to squash HBJ from behind. Earthquake with an elbow drop and the Vertical Splash sends HBJ to the Hillbilly Ward of the Hospital at 1:58. That was fucking quick. After the match, Earthquake drops ass on the Hillbilly a few more times just for fun. I'm not sure, but this might've been the last time we saw old Hillbilly Jim in the ring until the Gimmick Battle Royale at WrestleMania X-Seven. (DUD)


- The Rockers vs. The Hart Foundation:
(Marty Jannetty & Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart & Jim Neidhart)
Before we go to the ring, Jesse Ventura heads backstage once more to interview the Hart Foundation, who if you will recall, challenged the Tag Team Champions for a title match back around WrestleMania time. The Foundation heel it up in the interview, forcing Ventura to back them up. I still say the Hart Foundation were a much better heel team than face, but that's just my opinion. We follow that with a cookie-cutter Rockers promo, and I'll just skip ahead to the match. Although on paper these two teams should've been having great matches, the ones that I have seen from Arena Shows or Coliseum Video have usually been very disappointing and filled with non-stop resting, but we'll see how this one turns out. Hot opening sequence between Jannetty and Bret, with quick counters and take downs. Bret gets a taste of his own medicine with a double russian leg sweep, but Neidhart cleans house with a double clothesline to both Rockers. Despite the involvement of Neidhart, the action continues going pretty quick with minimal resting. The heat machine is definitely on for this match, too. The Foundation work over Michaels for a few minutes and make quick tags to avoid rest periods. Out comes Demolition to watch the match... I smell a cheap finish! Stuff goes a bit crazy as Bret gets knocked to the outside and gets in the face of Demolition for no reason. Jannetty manages to make a hot tag and works over the Hitman. SUPERKICK! That only gets a two count. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, and Jannetty comes back with a sunset flip for a two count. Irish whip, and Hart catches Jannetty off guard with a swinging neck breaker. The Foundation miss the "Slingshot Anvil Onto Opponent" spot, and now Michaels gets a hot tag, although a much lesser one. Michaels works in a super-oversell for Anvil's diving shoulder tackle. Michaels gets sent out of the ring, and now the Rockers are having problems with Demolition. IT'S A BRAWL!!! The Rockers, Hart Foundation, and Demolition beat the shit out of each other and we get a Double Disqualification called at 9:16. Weird that three babyface teams were fighting over the titles here, until you noticed the only heel team left were the lowly Bolsheviks. Pretty good match with plenty of fast-action, but the finish was a bit of a spoiler. Much better than other matches between these two teams, too. (***1/2)


- Another interview with Earthquake and Jimmy Hart, who talk trash to Hulk Hogan. We get a clip of Earthquake dropping ass on Hogan a few weeks before WrestleMania VI on an episode of Superstars of Wrestling. Gene Okerlund interviews Hogan again, and once more he has on the bandana and no shirt. I wouldn't be surprised if they taped these Hogan promos together, and removed the cowboy hat in the background from the first interview to try and make it look different. Random note: Hogan throws out the phrase "Texas Tornado"... oh, and he said "Typhoon" too! I guess WWF came up with gimmicks by listening to Hogan promos.


- WWF World Championship Match:
The Ultimate Warrior © vs. Haku (w/ Bobby Heenan):
This is the Warrior's first big title defense since winning the belt at WrestleMania VI. Speaking of WM VI, we get clips of Hogan/Warrior when Hogan presented Warrior with the belt. Ventura interviews Heenan and Haku backstage, and Haku actually talks. Gene Okerlund interviews the Warrior next. As if Warrior should be threatened by fucking Haku. Haku tries a pre-match attack, but Warrior no-sells and clears the ring of his challenger. I didn't notice it before, but the lighting in the arena is a lot darker than it was for the previous matches. Maybe everyone was clearing out of the arena during the match? Back to the match... it's not very good. Haku is a decent brawler, but you won't get anywhere with the Warrior unless it's planned out in great detail months in advance or your name is Randy Savage. After some token offense from Haku, Warrior mounts his Super-Moron Comeback™. A few clotheslines, shoulder tackle, and big splash later, and the Warrior retains the championship at 4:49. Again, did anyone find Haku to be a threat back then? The guy was booked primarily in Tag Team matches for most of his WWF run with a notable exception of his "King Haku" days (where he barely won). (1/2*)


- Big Bossman vs. Akeem (w/ Slick):
I guess since their match at WrestleMania VI was rushed to hell due to the show running low of time, this is the Very Special ReMatch to try and make up for it. It's Round 2 of the Twin Towers Doing-Something-I-Don't-Want-To-Mention. Before the match, we get clips of Ted Dibiase beating down the Bossman before his match at WrestleMania VI. We get more interviews, this time from Akeem and Slick, then a rebutal from the Big Bossman. Lots of punching from the Bossman until he misses a charge. Akeem squashes him in the corner and sits on his face a few times. I guess you can call them the early versions of the Stink-Face. Akeem clubs on Bossman a bit, and the canned heat is still going on. The Air Africa Splash only gets a two count, and now it's time for Bossman to make Akeem serve hard time. Akeem with his signature "bops head into buckle" spot, and Bossman nails the Sidewalk Slam... then stalls for an hour until Dibiase and Virgil run-in (no doubt late) and draw the Disqualification at 2:58. Not much longer than their WrestleMania VI match, and not much better either. The heels beat on Bossman and cuff him to the ropes, but Bossman manages to unlock himself with a hidden key and clears the ring of Dibiase and Virgil. It's a foot-race! (1/4*)


- The show concludes with the 4th Rick Martel "Arrogance" perfume commercial (get it... he's arrogant! OH THE HILARITY!), and interviews with Bobby Heenan and the Ultimate Warrior (with face-paint freshly done, again proving my point that they were no doubt taped moments apart). Back to Jesse Ventura and Vince McMahon to official end the broadcast.


Final Thoughts: A decent episode all-around. You have a great (for T.V.) match in the form of the Rockers/Hart Foundation, and pretty much everything else despite being crappy in ring-work were used to advance or close out angles, like the went-nowhere Dibiase/Bossman feud and the Tag Title Babyface 3-Way that later took the Rockers out and turned Demolition heels. I won't give a Recommendation, but I can think of worse things to waste 70 minutes on.

WWF @ Boston Garden - August 3rd, 1985:

WWF @ Boston Garden - August 3rd, 1985


- Like the title of the review says, this is an arena show held at the Boston Garden, one of the many anual locations visited by the WWF throughout the 70's and 80's. Commentary is handled by the team of Gorilla Monsoon and Mean Gene Okerlund, which means we'll be hearing nothing but babyface praise and heel bashing all night. I like Okerlund the Interviewer, but he doesn't compliment Monsoon's style, so it's basically two guys going "oh yeah, that's right" instead of your usual Ventura or Heenan comeback. Random math fact: I was negative 26 days old when this show was originally broadcasted on NESN. Hurray for me!


- Opening Match: Jose-Luis Rivera vs. Les Thornton:
Interesting match to open the show with... I'm sure everyone at one point has seen JLR, who usually formed one half of the greatest tag team in wrestling: Los Conquistadors. Les Thornton is far less known to the general wrestling fan, and myself have no real knowledge of him other than he's from Manchester, England. All I've seen of him was being Mick Foley's partner during a match with the British Bulldogs in September '86. Since this is Bah-ston, I'm betting $50 that they shit on the match less than 5 minutes in because A.) neither guy is over, and B.) It'll probably suck anyway. Gorilla Monsoon notes on commentary that Thornton is the WWF Junior Heavyweight Champion? THE FUCK? The boring chants come into effect less than a minute into the match. That's your typical Bah-ston crowd. Lots of chinlocks, to the point you'd be confused that you're watching Backlund/Muraco from March 1983. Plenty of head scissors too, for those who like those. They go through a bunch of long rest spots, and I have no time to waste on this junk. This just keeps going and going like the retarded version of the Energizer Bunny. To the finish... Rivera springs off the middle ropes with a cross body, but Thornton reverses with the momentum and grabs a handful of ass for the three count at 12:34. That was so pointless and "going through the motions" as you can get, but more in the "this is so fucking boring" rather than "worst match ever." (DUD)


- George "The Animal" Steele vs. Tiger Chung Lee:
Oh crap... didn't I review this same pairing from the February 1986 Boston Show? Was there that much of a demand to see this so many times? Lou Albano (Steele's manager/handler/cheater) is absent for the match. I guess the managers didn't bother to show up again. Before the match, Steele tosses Lee's fruity shower sandles at him outside of the ring, rather than smash up his Kendo Stick like on 2/8/86. Much like every Steele match in the history of wrestling, this one doesn't consist much of anything other than punching and weird dancing. Chumley the Walrus stalls a lot (I'm sure not many people will get that name dropping), and Steele acts stupid. You know, the usual. Chung Lee manages to control the match for about a minute, but Steele comes back and nails Lee with a foreign object after being bothered during some eating of a turnbuckle, and that's good enough for the three count at 4:37. The foreign object appeared to be just a bunch of thick tape wrapped around a pencil or something. Well, at least the match was short is all I can say here, but it still sucked. (-*)


- George Wells vs. Brutus Beefcake:
Beefcake is missing Johnny Valiant, thus continuing the missing managers streak. Choice (and only) sign in the crowd: Brutus Fruitcake. Well, it was 1985 and it's Boston. Do you expect intelligent jokes? George Wells is announced as a former Canadian Football League star, but if he was any kind of star, he wouldn't be fucking wrestling, would he? Beefcake takes his sweet time to remove all of his entrance attire while Monsoon speculates why Beefcake was announced from Parts Unknown and is suddenly from San Francisco. Insert Gorilla's gay joke here, minus mentioning Terry Garvin or Pat Patterson. Wells controls early with football-stance charging shoulderblocks to the lower-body of Beefcake, sending him out of the ring. It doesn't take long for Beefcake to take over, and that lasts for a while. Beefcake works over the left arm of Wells after ramming it into the ring post. Not a terribly exciting match, but at least Beefcake spends the rest of the match working over the arm. Wells comes back, exchanging blows down on the canvas. Sadly, Wells doesn't bother selling the last 5 minutes of arm work. Wells with a goofy enziguri/head scissors move and a high knee. Wells misses a charge into the corner, and Beefcake nails a running high knee across the back, and that's all she wrote at 10:21. Feh... on one hand Beefcake carried the match. On the other, BEEFCAKE carried the match. The arm work was decent, but the lack of selling and the finish that didn't even include anything to do with the arm loses points. (3/4*)


- Pedro Morales vs. Mr. X:
Oh sweet Jesus in hell, this match is going to SUCK. Pedro Morales gets the best babyface reaction of the night, although considering everyone else sans Steele got boo'ed, that's not much of a compliment. Monsoon makes sure to remind us that Morales is a former World, Intercontinental, and Tag Team Champion, and really, that's all Morales had going for himself. He was a terrible wrestler and from what I've seen, rarely has shown any kind of charisma in the ring. Mr. X is, depending on who you want to believe, Danny Davis or some other chump. The first few minutes of the match includes a hip toss and LOTS of stalling. Mr. X continues stalling, as if he were being paid by the minute and refused to lose in 30 seconds. Morales takes control in the ring with an armbar, and Mr. X runs outside of the ring again to stall. If you love stalling, you'll love this match! Morales with a string of offensive manuevers, and not too much later, finishes Mr. X with the Boston Crab at 7:48, and only about 30 seconds of that was actual wrestling. I bet the crowd only cheered the finish because the move has the word "Boston" in it. Terrible, terrible, terrible match. This match would make everything from the Heroes of Wrestling show look good. (-**)


- "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff vs. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper:
Finally something I can appreciate and enjoy at the same time. I just hope neither of them are in a "half-assing" mood for this show. Just a quick recap... Piper blamed Orndorff for their loss at WrestleMania, Orndorff turned face and joined forces with Hogan, and now Orndorff wants to kick Piper's ass. That's the best kind of storyline: short, to the point, and violent. The crowd is really into this one, for the first time all night. Short, and simple, this one is going to be a fight, not a wrestling match. TABLE SPOT! Okay, so no tables are broken, but it still counts. Lots of brawling as expected, and Orndorff shows off his heel side and Piper's ass by yanking down Piper's trunks to take him down for a sunset flip. Piper and the referee argue a bit before Piper goes back to beating down Orndorff. Piper applies a Sleeper hold, the first wrestling hold done all match. Orndorff surprises Piper with a head scissors, but Piper manages to float over into a cover. Orndorff bridges out at a two count, and they spill outside of the ring, where they continue to brawl. Orndorff bashes Piper with a weapon, but instead it's a Double Count-Out at 7:52. Afterwards, Piper clotheslines Orndorff from behind and nails the referee just for the hell of it. Orndorff quickly goes after Piper outside the ring and hammers on him up the aisle until both men are out of site. Fun brawl and outside the sleeper hold spot, not a bit boring. I could've done without the lame finish, but this was 1980's Roddy Piper, who rarely ever jobbed clean back then. (**1/2)


- Salvatore Bellomo vs. "Macho Man" Randy Savage:
This is really early in Savage's run in the WWF. One notable example is he doesn't have Elizabeth with him yet, and on the Capital Center show a week or so later, was announced as the "Hottest free agent in wrestling", or something along those lines. Savage gets a better face reaction than Bellomo, who appears to be having choice words with someone in the crowd, and give the "under chin thrust" gesture a handful of times. Savage still has the old "Memphis heel" character going through his system, taking forever to undress and spends some time outside of the ring to hassle fans. Referee for the match appears to be a mop-topped Danny Davis. Save also doesn't have his signature bald-spot yet, for you Nacho Man fans who just need to know. The match is boring enough that Monsoon and Okerlund go back down memory lane to remember who invented the Full Nelson. Savage beating the crap out of Bellomo's pasta eating ass outside of the ring is worth a mention. Savage with a double axehandle to the outside, and back in the ring Savage finishes Bellomo off with his signature top rop elbow drop at 9:16. Not much of a match, but it was OK when it wasn't Bellomo sucking or Savage stalling. (*)


- "Quick Draw" Rick McGraw vs. Terry Funk:
Yes, the guys nickname really was "Quick Draw." I wonder how the WWF got out of paying Hanna-Barbera for that obvious copyright stealing. This is also early in Terry Funk's rather short run with the WWF. Too bad Mel Phillips isn't around to get an ass-kicking again for being a pedophile. Once again, McGraw is a decent and rather stocky wrestler, but his lack of height probably kept him from behind pushed any further up the card than being someone's whooping boy. The referee once again is Danny Davis. Pretty much like every match of the night, Funk plays the cowardly heel, except he plays it more with a "this guy isn't all there" character. Decent match overall, since Terry Funk is pretty good at working a crowd compared to Mr. X or Tiger Chung Lee, but there's far too much resting going on for my liking. The crowd spends a lot of the time between resting to chant "JYD" at Terry Funk. They had an angle going at the time of course, and actually Funk's only angle, since he vanished pretty quickly after his feud with Junkyard Dog ended. After nearly 3-minutes of stalling while McGraw stood around outside the ring, the action finally resumes. McGraw gets in some token offense for a couple of near falls, but Terry Funk remains in control, since he was part of one of the top feuds in the company at that point. To the finish... McGraw takes Funk down with an airplane spin, but a cross body press only gets a two count. Funk catches McGraw coming off the ropes with a Sleeper Hold, and it's Good Night, Irene at a much too lengthy 13:40. Yes, I know that was Adrian Adonis' finishing move, but I don't care. I like saying that. After the match, Funk does his traditional branding of an opponent. At least it looks better than Justin Bradshaw's shoe-polish branding jobs from 1996. McGraw comes to afterwards and chases Funk from the ring with the branding iron in question. VANILLA MIDGET RETRIBUTION at Boston Garden! (*1/4)


- Ricky Steamboat & The Junkyard Dog vs. The Magnificent Muraco & Mr. Fuji:
I guess you could say this is one really disappointing main event to close out the show. They should've switched places with this and the Piper/Orndorff match from earlier in the card. The angle going here was between Steamboat and Muraco/Fuji, with JYD being the "I need a partner so I choose this guy over here eating a donut and snorting cocaine" partner. That reminds me... why didn't they have a Steamboat/Muraco blowoff at WrestleMania 2? They were still feuding through February of '86, so it would've made more sense than Steamboat/Hercules. If this were just Steamboat vs. Muraco, it might have a chance to reach the 4-star barrier, but the addiction of Junkyard Dog and Mr. Fuji kinda cripples my hopes a little bit. Cheap bastards WWE clips out the entrance for Steamboat and JYD, because they have to pay for Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" and Steamboat's "Chicago Bulls Intro Music." The faces beat the piss out of both Muraco and Fuji for the first 4-5 minutes until Steamboat gets to play the face-in-peril. The heels work over Steamboat pretty well and cheat whenever possible. Death spot of the match comes with them sharing time to apply vulcan nerve pinches. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate that fucking move? Oh well, I guess it's better than the Titty-Twister Sika gave to Hulk Hogan at the October '87 Saturday Night's Main Event. Back to the match, and Steamboat continues to play dead. JYD finally gets the hot tag after 5 minutes of Steamboat getting his ass kicked. Steamboat comes back inb and beats the shit out of Muraco. Pissed-off Steamboat is always awesomr to see. Fuji gets to play whooping old man, and Steamboat finishes him off rather quickly with the top rope cross body press at 11:55. After the match, Steamboat gets a face-full of salt, but nothing else happens. Pfft... Muraco would've beat the crap out of him and hung him with his black-belt like he did on Championship Wrestling a few weeks later, not run away like a pussy. Fun match with a pretty good tag-formula psychology going on, but it could've done with another 4-5 minutes to build up. The opening babyfaces thrash the heels and the heels destroy a babyface segments ate up a lot of time, leaving the finish to be rather rushed. (***)


Final Thoughts: Outside of a couple of good matches in the form of Piper vs. Orndorff and the Tag Match at the end, this show really fucking sucks. It was cool to see Savage and Funk during the early days of their runs at the time, but both matches were nothing to write home about. The less said about the first half of the show the better, especially since a Brutus Beefcake carry-job couldn't break the 1-star barrier, and was easily the best match of the first hour. Strong Recommendation to Avoid, but for a Rarities kind of guy, knock yourself out.

WWF World Tour 1992:

- I've said it before and I'll say it again... the World Tour series released by Coliseum Video (and their bastard cousins Best of the WWF Vol. 16 and Global Warfare) have to be the worst collection of videos ever released. Most Coliseum Videos suck, but almost all of them have at least a couple saving grace matches that's worth sitting through a bunch of crappy ones. Just a note: "World Tour" doesn't have to mean "Non-US Exclusive", since the United States is shocking part of the World. Go figure... however, the 1991 version of the series was almost nothing but US matches (and a handful of crap from UK Rampage '91), so at least for 1992, they went more with a foreign based collection.


- "The Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich vs. The Mountie (w/ Jimmy Hart):
Pulled from the UK Exclusive event, the Battle Royale at the Albert Hall, which has to be the WORST name for an event this side of Taboo Tuesday. This match is going to be really fucking awful. Von Erich was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY past the point of being useful in the ring, and Jacques Rougeau, while being a good tag wrestler, isn't a good singles wrestler, and the chances of him getting anything worth a damn out of Von Erich in 1991 is close to nothing. The good news here is that Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan have the call, so at least that can keep me awake. 5-minutes into the match, and we've had maybe 10 seconds of actual wrestling. The Mountie finally comes back in the ring, and we get a 3-minute sleeper hold. If you looked up boring in the dictionary, you're wasting your time, because that joke has been shit since 1962. Tornado FINALLY escapes and applies his own sleeper hold, and that lasts a couple of minutes too. Von Erich misses a charge to the corner, ramming his shoulder into the post. Mountie beats on him a bit, but nothing of note really happens, other than Tornado no-selling the injured shoulder. Oh wait, he missed the discuss punch against the ring post. At least he's selling that. Back in the ring, and about 50-seconds later, the Mountie sweeps the legs from under Von Erich, puts his feet up on the ropes, and that ends this mess at 13:17. After the "match", Von Erich beats up the Mountie to get his undercard heat back. The crowd goes kinda happy. Without going into a paragraph long rant, this match fucking sucked. Plain and simple. Giving this a DUD would be the most generous rating I've ever given, but I won't, because I'm not a nice guy. (-***)


Special Coliseum Video Profile on the British Bulldog!

- We join a Battle Royale pretty damn late in progress, probably from the same show as the previous match. We're down to the British Bulldog, Typhoon, and The Mountie. Hmm... they're in England, I wonder who's going to win this one! Typhoon accidentally splashes the Mountie in the corner, and now Bulldog hammers on Typhoon (way to go with being impartial, Lord Alfred). The Mountie attacks from behind to make the save. Irish whip, and the Jimmy Hart Gang put Bulldog down with a double clothesline. Mountie holds Bulldog in place for a clothesline, and if you don't know what happens next, you have no business being a wrestling fan. Mountie is gone at 1:30. Bulldog with a series of shoulder blocks and dropkick to Typhoon. Irish whip to the corner, and Typhoon squashes him with an avalanch. Typhoon charges, but Bulldog back drops him out to win the Battle Royale at 2:31. Nothing here to rate, so I won't bother.


- We see clips of a bunch of hired child actors to mug Bulldog around England (who is he, Hulk Hogan in WCW?), then we get an interview with him and his family. Oh, how touching. At least this means I don't have to sit through another crappy match for another five minutes. We see Bulldog around the country a few more times, but fuck it.


- The British Bulldog vs. Irwin R. Schyster:
We're still in England, this time from the UK Rampage '92 event held a few weeks after WrestleMania VIII. Heenan and Monsoon are once again calling the action. Someone in the crowd has one of those damn air-horns, so we can expect it to be used the entire match. At least the british crowds are into everything so it's not completely terrible (except for Mountie/Tornado, which killed the crowd dead for the most part). Not much is going on, as usual with UK exclusive matches. I'm not accusing the wrestlers of half-assing... oh the hell with it, yes I am. Bulldog controls the early stages of the match in between Irwin stalling. I'm not surprised, either. Bulldog works the arm with a wristlock, but Irwin nails him in the eyes and dumps him out of the ring. For the next 5-minutes I check out some websites, and without a doubt, haven't missed a thing, since I can tell by the commentary this match isn't going anywhere. Irwin remains in control for a bit too long, but at least they aren't doing 15 minutes of stalling and sleepers. Bulldog pulls off his signature delay-suplex and beats on Irwin with headbutts. After a bit of boring see-saw stuff, Bulldog finishes off Irwin with the running Powerslam at 12:49, but not before Earl Hebner kicked Jimmy Hart off the apron for holding onto Irwin during the set-up of the hold. Boring, bad match, but at least it was out of the negatives. That really isn't supposed to be a compliment. (1/2*)


- The British Bulldog (w/ Andre The Giant) vs. Earthquake (w/ Jimmy Hart):
From Bacelona, Spain, held on October 5th, 1991. Davey Boy has a Bulldog with him (Winston was still around?), and this was during the go-nohwere Andre/Earthquake feud. This could've been one of Andre's final appearences on a WWF tape, since I don't recall him showing up in 1992, and he died in January of '93. Oh yeah, we've got Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred calling this match, so I guess I should bust out the negative stars again. Nothing but stalling for the first few minutes. I'm starting to sense a patern on this tape. Both men trade power moves until Bulldog sends Quake out of the ring with a dropkick. Earthquake quickly comes back to apply a bearhug and squash Bulldog during a slam and sunset flip attempt. HOLY CRAP! Sean Mooney remembers Hogan slamming Andre at WrestleMania III, despite not being with the company for another year! This tape keeps on dragging, and if you can't tell by that comment, this match also sucks. Quake goes after Andre and kicks him in the leg. Quake goes for the Vertical Splash on Bulldog, but Andre bashes Quake against the back with his crutch, and Bulldog with a slam gets the three count at 8:15. Retribution from the Giant is worth a quarter of a star, and thankfully this match was a bit shorter than the previous matches already showcased. (1/4*)


- At Home with El Matador Tito Santana. A SOMBRERO! A BULL-FIGHTING PAINTING! Now we get Tito Santana practicing to become a Matador. We all know the deal... close up shots of Santana, and blimp shots of "Santana" fighting a bull. This just drags on and on...


- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vs. The Barbarian:
We're still in Barcelona, and I feel sorry for the poor bastards who had to sit through these matches. Just to get it out of the way now: Outside of a few instances, Roddy Piper post-1987 was near-worthless in the ring and on the microphone, but more-so in the ring, especially when stuck with this kind of baggage. I guess you could say this is the most anticipated rematch in movie history since Hulk Hogan vs. Zeus. For those who don't get the joke, I'm 99% sure that the Barbarian was one of the bad guys who beat up Roddy Piper in the movie "Body Slam." [NOTE: I take a break from the review here to gather my brains and skim through about 15 new tapes. Hopefully I can keep up the good review.] Once again, lots of stalling to start, with minimal contact being made. The first few minutes drive home the point that Piper isn't intimidated by the Barbarian. We're passing the 4-minute mark and they keep proving it. After a Piper headlock, Barbarian wants a Greco-Roman Knucklelock. To the surprise of everyone, The Barbarian doesn't kick him the second they lock hands. Piper ends up escaping, of course, and sends Barbie out of the ring. Barbarian cheats to take control of the match, and this baby is starting to make me wish I was watching Von Erich vs. the Mountie again. SUPER-LONG BEARHUG by the Barbarian! Feel the drama! Piper escapes and scores a few near falls before tumbling out of the ring. Sunset flip back into the ring, and it's the same Barbarian finish ever at 10:19. I'm knocking points off just for the fact they over-abused the "Barbarian blocks the sunset flip, poses, but gets caught anyway" finish. The match sucked on top of that, too, so we're going into the negatives again. (-*1/2)


- 16-Man Battle Royale:
(Joined in Progress - Particpants: The British Bulldog, "El Matador" Tito Santana, Bret "Hitman" Hart, Sgt. Slaughter, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, Road Warrior Hawk, The Mountie, Col. Mustafa, Jerry Saggs, Repo Man)
I don't get the point of showing another Battle Royale Joined in Progress, but at least we have most of the bulk of the match left. We're in Munich, Germany for this one, and since there's only one European in the match, just fucking guess who's winning. Hint: He's been featured quite a lot for most of the tape so far... and it's not the Mountie. He's Canadian. Santana is back dropped out by the Mountie 7-seconds into the "match." The GERMAN crowd starts chanting USA... wow those people really are sheep, considering Hitler brain-washed them all into following him without much trouble. The Mountie eliminates fellow Canadian Bret Hart at the 44-second mark while hugging with Saggs against the ropes. Hawk is out after missing a charge to Repo Man and Saggs at 1:41. Bulldog throws out Col. Mustafa and his massive belly at 2:22, then Bulldog saves Slaughter for some reason. For another "some reason", Repo Man sunset flips Davey Boy for a pin attempt... in a Battle Royale. Who does he think he is, Randy Savage?! Lots of nothing going on until Mountie dumps Duggan the same way he did Bret at 5:01. Bulldog saves Slaughter from all remaining heels with a trio of hip tosses, and now some clotheslines. The heels control again, doing little of note. TRIPLE CLOTHESLINE! Too bad they already did that spot a few weeks earlier at WrestleMania VIII. Slaughter dumps out Repo Man at 9:07, then Mountie dumps Slaughter at 9:20, with a little help from Repo Man at ringside. Shock Stick misses, and Saggs takes the blow. Bulldog clotheslines Saggs out at 9:49, and then the Mountie at 9:52 to win the whole fucking thing. I don't like rating battle royales, but this one sure did suck. (N/R)


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart © vs. "The Model" Rick Martel:
This tape sucks, so it's COPY & PASTE TIME, since I already reviewed this match on the Wrestling's World Tour tape. Now we're in the Sheffield Arena and probably from the UK Rampage '92 event. I won't get too excited for this match, mainly because Hart wasn't usually in full kick-ass mode for these Coliseum Video matches, and Martel usually thought "gimmick first, good match second", considering almost everything he did from 1989-1993. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan are on commentary (thus confirming it's from the UK show), so that's a plus for this match. Crowd is really into Hart, and that's another plus... these British fans will be pumped for everything. [Feel free to skip the rest because it's recycled detailed PBP. I'll break off into a new paragraph for my worthless and unreadble comments.]

Lockup to start goes nowhere, so they circle each other and try again. Martel with a series of knees to the midsection, but an Irish whip is reversed, and Martel works in the cartwheel counter to break the match up. Lockup into the ropes, and some jackass has that horn thing to get the crowd to chant. Martel with a cheap shot in the corner, followed by some roundhouse rights. Irish whip, and Martel with a boot to the midsection. Hart blocks a roll up attempt and drops Martel with a series of clotheslines, sending him running to the outside. Back inside the ring, and Martel quickly goes to a front facelock. Hart escapes by applying a wristlock, but Martel is quick on the move and puts Hart down with a clothesline. Martel applies a front facelock again. Same reversal, and this time Hart ducks the clothesline and nails his own. Hart teases the sharpshooter, but simply stomps Martel like a bitch. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, but Martel misses a charge, hurting his knee in the process. Hart kicks his leg from under his leg and tries to tear the knee out. Hart jerks Martel back to the middle of the ring and scissors the leg. Hart drops a leg across the knee of Martel, and applies a spinning toe hold. Martel kicks Hart off to the ropes, but gets taken down with a hip toss. Hart takes Martel down again, and goes back to working the knee. Martel kicks Hart off again, with Hart eating the turnbuckle in the process. Martel hammers away at the back of Hart, but Hart punches the knee of Martel to get the momentum going again. Martel escapes a leg scissors with choking. Martel does a little dance... oh wait, he's selling my bad. Hart continues to not give Martel anything, using an atomic knee drop. Hart tries wraping Martel's leg around the steel post, but Martel finally gets the advantage and makes Hart eat some instead. Martel rams the lower back of Hart into the ring post, and slowly works him over. Irish whip to the corner, but Hart doesn't do the chest-first bump at 338 mph. Martel with a series of elbows across the back of Hart. Irish whip, and Hart comes back with a boot to the face. Martel is back up first though... and Hart jumps up to show he was playing possum, and it's the "five moves of doom" time. Side russian leg sweep gets a two count. Snap suplex gets a two count. Side back breaker and second rope elbow drop gets a two count. Irish whip, and a roll up attempt has Hart spilling to the outside. Martel with a suplex attempt from the apron, but the roll up doesn't work again. Hart with an inside cradle out of nowhere wins it at 13:02. That really was a bit out of nowhere.

To quote someone else, this was perfectly acceptable wrestling, although a bit on the boring side, with both men working over the other where it would possibly lead to their respective finishing moves (the Sharpshooter and Boston Crab), but the surprise ending didn't factor any of that in. You could make a case that working of the knee prevented Martel from kicking out a bit more, but that's grasping for straws since Bret does those cradles every match, regardless. (**)


- WWF World Championship Match:
"Macho Man" Randy Savage © vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Sensational Sherri):
Back again to Munich, Germany, and I'm sure some HBK fanboys are going to say "OMG5-starclassic~~!!" Just a side note... this was early heel days Shawn, who still was tuning his gimmick, and learning how to work a heel formula match. To make things worse, Mooney and Hayes are on commentary again. Please shoot me! Me being a Randy Savage fan (Well, pre-WCW Randy Savage fan) boosts up my ability to forgive the match for not being as good as people want it to be, though. Savage actually limps to the ring, selling the effects from his match at WrestleMania VIII. Well, gotta give him points for his ability to sell something long term, since this was 9 days after WM, especially for a European tour where 99% of the matches look half-assed. In one of those "that was a cool idea" spot, Savage catches HBK coming into the corner with a knee to the face, but he does with the wrong one, and thus goes down as well to sell the effect. To eat my own words, this is a rather good match, probably because Savage told Shawn what to do beforehand. Michaels spends a good amount of time working over the injured knee of Savage, which is amazing, because in EVERY Michaels match ever, he works the arm with crappy armbars, despite the fact his finishing move had nothing to do with the arm. Even Sherri gets some cheap shots in on her formerly employer. Of course, neither Mooney or Hayes even hint towards that former relationship, but if they did and I didn't hear it, do you honestly blame me for not paying 100% attention to these two clowns? Michaels applies the Figure-Four, and again, my gripe on the actually execution of the hold is I'm more than sure the leg you're beating on should be the one that has the preasure of the other leg in a bent (or four) shape across it. If you can follow that, I applaud you, because it confuses me, and I typed it! Michaels continues working the leg, going almost 7-minutes in complete control. I'm shocked that the World Champion is selling this much for a midcarder, to be honest. Michaels wasn't even considered a contender at the time, and is holding his own quite well against the #1 babyface in the company. Savage manages to escape a second figure-four attempt, and out of nowhere connects with the flying elbow drop (making sure to steady himself more on the top rope first) to retain the championship at 14:26.

After the match, Sherri bashes Savage behind the leg with a steel chair and it's time for a beat-down! Michaels beats up on the knee and several goofy officials and some dork in an ugly brown suit that looks like Jameson as we end the tape. Pretty good match to my surprise, but I'll credit it more to Savage, though, since he was a stickler for detailing matches out ahead of time, and honestly, does anyone think "Mr. Armbar" would work the leg of someone for an entire match on his own? I sure as shit don't. Also you have to credit Savage for even allowing some midcard guy this much offense and chances to look like he could win, which is weird because Savage a few years later was a little more "strict" about who he had to wrestle and what he had to do. Anyway, I'm rambling. (***1/2)


Final Thoughts: This tape fucking sucks. If you really need to see Savage/Michaels, I'm sure it's available on another cheap World Tour tape. Everything else is either terrible or just flat out boring. The first 90 minutes of this tape ranks up their with Heroes of Wrestling for the honor of most painful tape to sit through. Obvious the Strongest of Strong Recommendation to Avoid.

WWF Wrestling's World Tour:

- Since I'm really bored, and the tape is only about 55 minutes, I thought I'd do a quickie review of an old Coliseum Video. It's been said often that the World Tour series of tapes (and it's cousins Best of the WWF Vol. 16: Around the World and Global Warfare) are some of the worst of the Coliseum Video run, and it's not too hard to understand that considering the shit from the 1991 and 1992 editions alone. This version is one of those cheap tapes released for $9.95 featuring some reject matches and recycled crap from other tapes.


- WWF Hasbro Wrestling Figures commercial, featuring Randy Savage, Mr. Perfect, Sgt. Slaughter, The Undertaker, and more people. The figures highlighted seems to be the third set, including Koko B. Ware, Greg Valentine, The British Bulldog, The Dragon (not Ricky Steamboat!), the Texas Tornado, Bret Hart, Sgt. Slaughter, Mr. Perfect, Typhoon, The Undertaker, and new versions of Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Big Boss Man and Brutus Beefcake. Don't forget new Tag Team Figure sets of the Legion of Doom and the Nasty Boys!


- "Texas Tornado" Kerry Von Erich vs. Ric Flair:
Taped from Barcelona, Spain during a tour of Europe in October of 1991. Commentary is being done by Sean Mooney and Lord Alfred Hayes, and we already hear stupid shit about this being for the World Title, despite this being taped when Hogan was the champion, and Flair doesn't have any WWF belt with him. Old school fans will remember these two trading off the NWA World Title back in 1984 following the death of one of Kerry's brothers. The quality of this match depends on two things... how much can Von Erich go, and how many mind altering drugs did I take to believe Flair really is the best wrestler ever. Crowd is jacked for this one. Feeling out process by both men, and a lockup sees Tornado shove Flair across the ring to a big pop. Lockup #2 goes into the corner, and Tornado does the same. Knucklelock goes into a Flair wristlock, but Tornado counters, hammers away on the left arm of Flair, and bars the arm. Tornado turns it back into a wristlock, but it's broken in the corner. Flair with a standing side headlock, and Tornado counters out with an overhead wristlock. Tornado drops a leg across the arm of Flair, and bars the arm again. Flair escapes in the corner and chops the skin off of Tornado's chest. Flair hammers on Tornado a bit and dumps him out of the ring, but Tornado is back in with a sunset flip. Flair blocks that with a short right, and follows with a snapmare and knee drop for the first two count. Flair goes for another knee drop, but Tornado rolls away and quickly applies the Figure Four (Dusty Rhodes style aplication)! Flair quickly makes it to the ropes to break the hold, and now begs him off from the corner. Tornado with mounted punches in the corner. Irish whip to the corner and Tornado comes charging with a clothesline. Flair rolls to the apron, but is quickly taken back in with a suplex, and that gets a two count. Flair with a poke of the eyes (finally), and now they exchange blows in the corner, with Tornado coming out on top of that. Irish whip to the corner, but Tornado kisses the steel on a charge attempt. Flair drags Tornado to the outside, where he works Tornado over. After a little bit of stalling, Flair snapmares Tornado across the top rope, but Tornado seems to be no-selling it. Flair does it again, and this time stomps away at Tornado in the corner. Choking from Flair... WITH AUTHORITY! Flair and Danny Davis get into a shoving fight, and that might be the only face pop Davis ever got (naturally, Mooney nor Hayes remember that Danny Davis was a wrestler). Flair goes back to working over the Tornado. Chops in the corner from Flair, followed by a snapmare. Flair covers (with feet on the ropes, of course), but it only gets a series of two counts. Flair gets pissy and yells at the crowd, gives a "WHOO!", allowing Tornado to recover. Tornado with a series of rights in the corner, and the whip to the corner leads to Flair rolling up the ropes, run the apron, climb the top rope, and jump into the VON ERICH CLAW~~! Flair manages to escape with a back suplex... then falls face first to the canvas. Tornado quickly grabs a headlock, then puts Flair down with a shoulder block. Tornado comes off the ropes, and Flair catches him in a Sleeper Hold. Tornado's arm drops twice but not thrice, and it's time for the comeback! Shoulders to the midsection, followed by a shoulder block. Flair puts Tornado down again coming off the ropes, this time with a big chop. Irish whip, and Tornado counters a hip toss with a back slide for a two count. Tornado pulls a Sting and no sells a big chop in the corner. Tornado pounds the crap out of Flair in the corner and hip tosses him across the ring. Flair begs, pokes the eyes, and runs to the outside, where Tornado catches him and rams Flair into the security rail. Back into the ring we go... Flair whips Tornado to the corner, Whoo's, and gets clotheslined down. Flair rakes the eyes and goes to the top rope again, and gets slammed off. Tornado calls for the end, and the Tornado Punch connects... but Flair is in the ropes at the count of two. Tornado clotheslines Flair over the top rope and to the floor. Flair is back up on the apron with a shoulder into the midsection of Tornado. He slingshots himself in through the ropes, covers Tornado, and uses the ropes for added leverage to pick up the victory at 15:16. Damn, I hate that finish. *** I give Flair shit all of the time for being slightly overrated, but this was a pretty good match. However, I won't say it was a carry job, since Von Erich looked more motivated here than I've seen him in most other matches during his WWF run, which could contribute to the goodness of the match... is goodness a word? Anyway, for a Coliseum Video exclusive, this was pretty good, and given plenty of time to work out, since most CV Exclusives tend to go only about 10 minutes. This was my only reason for getting this tape, so it's all downhill from here.


- The British Bulldog & Legion of Doom vs. The Nasty Boys & The Mountie:
I believe this was taped in Munich, Germany during the tour of Europe following WrestleMania VIII. Sadly, we don't get the Mountie's kick ass theme music, since the heels entrances aren't shown. I have very little confidence in this match being any good, since pretty much everyone in it either sucked or was already past their prime. A glimps at the banner hanging above the ring looks like it says European Rampage, so I guess that was the name of this particular show the match came from. Animal and Knobbs start after some stalling. Animal wins a shoving match, and beats the crap out of Knobbs until he falls out of the ring. Back in the ring, and Knobbs with wild blows to work over Animal. Irish whip, and Animal comes off the ropes with a clothesline. Sags runs in to get dropped by Hawk, and the Mountie runs when Bulldog comes in. The Mountie tags in now, and calls the Bulldog a chicken. Now that I think about, I wonder if Davey Boy and Jacques had some heat with each other, considering the incident between Dynamite and the Rougeaus back a few years previous. Bulldog tags in, and we get more stalling. Mountie boots Bulldog in the midsection a few times, but is caught in a press slam off of a reversed Irish whip. Bulldog with a standing side headlock, followed by a headbutt as the Mountie tried out smarting him. Hawk and Sags are in the ring now, and the crowd chants for the obvious choice. Lockup into the corner, and Sags with some cheap shots. Hawk no sells (of course) and nearly knocks the shirt off of Sags with his chops. Irish whip is reversed, and Sags catches a boot of Hawk... who counters with an enziguri! A game of cat and mouse leads to Hawk being worked over by Sags. Irish whip, and Hawk comes back again with a reverse neck breaker. Knobbs comes in and Hawk slams both Nasty Boys into the canvas face first. Really boring and all over the place match. Hawk posts his shoulder on a charge, finally giving us the heel heat segment. The bad guys triple team Hawk at some points, doing nothing of note other than punch-kick-punch-kick. Mountie applies a reverse chinlock, which gives a chance for Hawk to make the big comeback. More heel working over Hawk, and this match, just like Matt Hardy, won't die! Animal gets the hot tag and nails some dropkicks (and pretty good ones too) on all the heels. Diving shoulder tackle to Sags, and Bulldog comes in to give a double clothesline to Knobbs. Bulldog with a horrible delay suplex, and it's a pier-six brawl. LOD whip Knobbs into the Bulldog, and the running powerslam ends it at 12:25. Blech... 1/2* Fucking mess of a match, but the hot finish saves it from being an official stinker in the ratings department. I guess I should be thankful that I was able to fast forward pretty much the entire match and not miss much of anything.


- WWF Intercontinental Championship Match:
Bret "Hitman" Hart © vs. "The Model" Rick Martel:
Now we're in the Sheffield Arena and probably from the UK Rampage '92 event. I won't get too excited for this match, mainly because Hart wasn't usually in full kick-ass mode for these Coliseum Video matches, and Martel usually thought "gimmick first, good match second", considering almost everything he did from 1989-1993. Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan are on commentary (thus confirming it's from the UK show), so that's a plus for this match. Crowd is really into Hart, and that's another plus... these british fans will be pumped for everything. Lockup to start goes nowhere, so they circle each other and try again. Martel with a series of knees to the midsection, but an Irish whip is reversed, and Martel works in the cartwheel counter to break the match up. Lockup into the ropes, and some jackass has that horn thing to get the crowd to chant. Martel with a cheap shot in the corner, followed by some roundhouse rights. Irish whip, and Martel with a boot to the midsection. Hart blocks a roll up attempt and drops Martel with a series of clotheslines, sending him running to the outside. Back inside the ring, and Martel quickly goes to a front facelock. Hart escapes by applying a wristlock, but Martel is quick on the move and puts Hart down with a clothesline. Martel applies a front facelock again. Same reversal, and this time Hart ducks the clothesline and nails his own. Hart teases the sharpshooter, but simply stomps Martel like a bitch. Irish whip to the corner is reversed, but Martel misses a charge, hurting his knee in the process. Hart kicks his leg from under his leg and tries to tear the knee out. Hart jerks Martel back to the middle of the ring and scissors the leg. Hart drops a leg across the knee of Martel, and applies a spinning toe hold. Martel kicks Hart off to the ropes, but gets taken down with a hip toss. Hart takes Martel down again, and goes back to working the knee. Martel kicks Hart off again, with Hart eating the turnbuckle in the process. Martel hammers away at the back of Hart, but Hart punches the knee of Martel to get the momentum going again. Martel escapes a leg scissors with choking. Martel does a little dance... oh wait, he's selling my bad. Hart continues to not give Martel anything, using an atomic knee drop. Hart tries wraping Martel's leg around the steel post, but Martel finally gets the advantage and makes Hart eat some instead. Martel rams the lower back of Hart into the ring post, and slowly works him over. Irish whip to the corner, but Hart doesn't do the chest-first bump at 338 mph. Martel with a series of elbows across the back of Hart. Irish whip, and Hart comes back with a boot to the face. Martel is back up first though... and Hart jumps up to show he was playing possum, and it's the "five moves of doom" time. Side russian leg sweep gets a two count. Snap suplex gets a two count. Side back breaker and second rope elbow drop gets a two count. Irish whip, and a roll up attempt has Hart spilling to the outside. Martel with a suplex attempt from the apron, but the roll up doesn't work again. Hart with an inside cradle out of nowhere wins it at 13:02. That really was a bit out of nowhere. ** To quote someone else, this was perfectly acceptable wrestling, although a bit on the boring side, with both men working over the other where it would lead to their respective finishing moves (the Sharpshooter and Boston Crab), but the surprise ending didn't factor any of that in. You could make a case that working off the knee prevented Martel from kicking out a bit more, but that's grasping for straws.


- The Bushwackers vs. The Beverly Brothers (w/ The Genius):
According to the Coliseum Video graphic, this match is taped from somewhere in Canada... and oh joy, it's a fucking Bushwackers match, and on top of that, it's against the Beverly Brothers. Excuse me while I go hang myself with a tongue... I mean tie. Gorilla Monsoon and Alfred Hayes are on commentary. We have name graphics on the screen, which makes me think this was pulled from an episode of PrimeTime Wrestling (which explains the Gorilla/Hayes combo). Beau Beverly quickly starts the match by beating up Butch, but he misses a charge to the corner. Both Bushwackers work over both Beverly's, and the marching morons celebrate. Blake Beverly and Luke are the legal men now. They exchange blows, and Blake puts Luke down with a weak back breaker. Luke rolls out of an elbow drop attempt, but Blake runs to the outside. The Bushwackers again clean house of both men, and even nail the double stomach buster (their other finisher), but no count since all hell is breaking loose. Luke quickly is a victim of a beating. We get the old hot tag that doesn't count since the referee didn't see it spot. Really shitty match, and I'm just phoning it in now to get this tape done with. Butch eventually gets the hot tag and cleans the clocks of both Beverly Brothers. Battering ram to Beau, but Blake breaks the pin... wait, reverse that, it was Blake being pinned. Butch gets tripped up by Beau, and Blake nails a shitty elbow drop for the victory at 6:05. What is this, the Survivor Series? DUD Shitty match as you would expect from these two teams with maybe 2 moves that weren't a punch and kick, and all around sloppy and rather light work (almost everything look liked it missed by a good few inches). At least it was kept reasonably short. Not painless, but short.


Final Thoughts: A 2 out of 4 average for a quick hour tape from Coliseum Video isn't too bad. The good isn't that great though, and the bad is pretty bad. Hart/Martel is available else where (on World Tour '92), so I'd only really recommend this tape if you're interested in the only match between Flair and Von Erich in the WWF (unless you count their brief scuffle during the '92 Rumble Match), or are a mark for shitty tag team matches. Thumbs in the middle, leaning down on this one.

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event - March 18th, 2006:

WWE Saturday Night's Main Event - March 18th, 2006


- For the first time in nearly 15 years, the WWE returns to NBC with Saturday Night's Main Event (yes, FOX aired two episodes in 1992, but fuck FOX). The nostalgia scale is ready to burst, but much like WWE Homecoming, I'm just setting myself up for a major disappointment. Oh well, at least this show won't be three hours of hell, and i'll tape it regardless of how awful it is. Afterall, I still have the November '88 on tape, and that was easily the worst episode ever. [/Comic Book Guy]


NOTE: Thanks to changing around my room, I now have to watch and type from the right-side, which is a pain since I've done it from my left for several years, and I'm naturally left-handed, so it's more comfortable. Also I'm taking out commercials at the same time, incase you question the short match times.


- Old School start, as we get quick promos from the McMahons, Shawn Michaels, Triple H, John Cena, JBL, and The Boogeyman. As expected, the opening theme sucks, of course. GOOD OL JR RETURNS TO COMMENTARY! And he's with the King and Tazz. The set for SNME looks pretty nice for a regular TV show... and HOLY SHIT! THE MAIN EVENT IS FIRST! ITS LIKE SATURDAY NIGHTS MAIN EVENT!


- John Cena & Triple H vs. Rey Mysterio Jr., Kurt Angle, Randy Orton:
This is a "WrestleMania Main Event vs. WrestleMania Main Event" match, with Cena scheduled to face Triple H for the RAW Title and the three Smackdown guys in a 3-way for Angle's title. WHITE ROPES! AWESOME! And hey, Randy Orton's music is still gay! Cena attacks Orton from behind to start and hammers away. Orton with a poke of the eyes and some CLUBBERIN Blows. Irish whip is reversed, and they manage to fuck up a hip toss spot, taking far too long on it. Angle tags in and pounds on Cena now. Whip to the corner, and Angle eats boot. Angle comes back though with an overhead belly-to-belly suplex and nails Trips off the apron. Cena escapes the Angle Slam and nails a Spinebuster for a two count. Cena with a front facelock, and in comes Trips to try and bury Angle. Pounding in the corner by the Game-uh. Angle with a series of German Suplexes to come back again, and in comes Mysterio, with a springboard senton thingy, followed by a lucha-style sunset flip for a two count. Mysterio with a back slide for another two count. Cena tags back in and the crowd is boo'ing someone as Lawler makes fun of Mysterio's height (fuck you, Lawler). Mysterio with a dropkick to Cena and a head scissors takeover on Cena. Basement dropkick to Cena, and another dropkick to Triple H. Irish whip is reversed, and the crowd chants CENA SUCKS really loud. 6-1-9.... prevented, and Trips clotheslines him to hell with Eddie Guerrero as we go to a...
[Commercial Break]
We come back with Mysterio nailing HHH in the midsection from the apron, so Trips knees him in the face, sending him to the ground. Trips throws Mysterio into the security wall for extra points in the "I hate you" game. Back into the ring, and Trips covers for a two count. Damn, Jim Ross reminds me of how awesome he can be compared to 90% of the shit WWE employs to do commentary. Mysterio boots Trips in the face, then walks into a Spinebuster, but Angle breaks the count at two. Mysterio with a series of blows to the midsection as the crowd chants for Eddie. SLEEPER HOLD by Triple H... that's OLD SCHOOL motherfucker! Mysterio escapes in the corner, but gets sent into the corner a la Bret Hart. Trips sets him up on the top rope, but Mysterio elbows him off. Rey comes off the top with a standing moonsault, and now both men are down. Trips cuts off the hot tag, but gets knocked into his corner. Cena and Orton both tag in, and the crowd boos Cena out of the fucking building. Orton escapes the F-U, but in the process knocks Angle off the apron. Cena with a modified back suplex, and the crowd just HATES Him here. Five-Knuckle Shuffle gets a VERY minor girl pop, and connects with the F-U, but Trips pulls him off AND THE PEDIGREE TIME IS NOW! Trips comes back in the ring, then has Orton cover Cena for the... two count, as Rey pulls ORTON off for the count. Trips with PEDIGREE TO REY NOW. Angle clotheslines HHH out, and it's an RKO to Angle! W-C-W! W-C-W! W-C-W! Cena blocks the RKO, and rolls up Orton for the three count at 9:41. **1/4 It was pretty good for the most part, but that finish was REALLY fucking shitty, as expected. Triple H made sure to nail both babyfaces with his signature move, and gets taken out with a clothesline. Wow... that overbooked finish reminded me of WCW, incase you didn't get the joke. Oh well, this was great on the old SNME scale, but by today's standards, feh... we've seen much better on a weekly basis on Smackdown for the last few months.


- Some chattering by the commentary team. We run down the two World Title matches, and the Hall of Fame inductions for 2006, including Gene Okerlund (inducted by Hulk Hogan), Eddie Guerrero (by Mysterio, Chavo, and Benoit), Verne Gagne (by his son Greg), the Sensational Sherri (by Ted Dibiase), and of course, Bret Hart (by Steve Austin). You can see Bret's induction live at 11 p.m. on April 1st on the USA Network.


- Backstage we go, and Booker T is faking a knee injury to get out of his match with the Boogeyman. This fake doctor is a terrible actor... I smell Long tricking Booker T to walk on his seriously injured knee... okay, no we don't, at least not yet. Hopefully we see the match, because the one major reason for me to see SNME other than it being SNME is to see the Boogeyman vs. Booker T. Yes, I just said it... sucka!


- Out comes Edge and Lita the Stank Ho, for the generic Talk Show of the Year™ given to sucky wrestlers who barely have enough charisma to cut a promo... but first, we have to take another Commercial break. His guest is Mick Foley, and well, he doesn't want to talk. Woah, Edge sets a table on fire... HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE. Foley isn't afraid though, then kicks Edge's ass. THUMBTACKS! THUMBTACKS... fuck it, he's over-abused this spot too much in every match he's had since 1998. Edge, of course, does a face-first bulldog onto the tacks, since everyone else in recorded history is too big of a pussy to take the bump... except Orton of all people. And Kane's ass landed in them once. Foley no-sells to my surprise, and hammers on Edge with a steel chair. CON-CHAIR-TO FOLEY STYLE! Note: It's been 20 minutes since the last match. POOR BOOKING BY WWE! WHAT A SURPRISE!


- Shawn Michaels/McMahon Family feud recap video... Jesus Christ, they're wasting a shitload of time for this show, especially since they only have four matches booked to begin with!...

And of course, Booker T does some dancing to show he's not injured, which causes the Boogeyman to show up, hanging upside down in the room! Booker T and Sharmell run screaming from the room, and no doubt, are caught by Teddy Long... Later.


- BEER DRINKING CONTEST~! After the millionth commercial break, JBL cuts a promo about how Detroit sucks, their sports teams suck, their cars suck, and other forms of cheap heat, like comparing them to Mexico and Japan. Austin thankfully (?) interrupts in his trusty truck. JUST DRINK THE FUCKING BEER AND GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY! JBL makes a Brokeback Mountain joke, and Austin appears to be holding back the laughter. Austin calls JBL a "one minute man", so JBL comes back with a "talk to my wife" reply. JBL cheats by spilling about 90% of the beer, but Austin catches him doing it 18 seconds into the contest. JBL throws beer in Austins face, but Benoit runs out to throw him back in the ring. BEER BATH FOR JBL! KICK-WHAM-STUNNER! Well that was a total waste of 15 minutes.


- Trish "Sting" Stratus & Mickie James vs. Victoria & Candice Michelle:
Oh great, this is what breaks the dry-spell of no wrestling?! It only took WWE about an hour to kill my hopes for a traditional SNME. Oh, and this crowd is dead now... what a surprise. And yay, we get a complete recap of the Trish/James "relationship." We're almost at the one hour mark since the last match ended. It only takes Lawler about 5 seconds to get HORNY~! Candice does her stupid pose, a.k.a the only thing she can do, so Trish misses a kick and they do stuff. Victoria pulls her hair and Candice chokes on... I mean, she chokes Trish down. Victoria with a kick to the mouth from the apron, followed by her somersault leg drop for a two count. Victoria applies a front facelock... and the crowd is so dead, you can hear the chatter between the divas. James gets the tag... but the referee didn't see it. Oh, tag. Trish blocks a double suplex with a double DDT. Victoria nails Mickie off the apron, but gets nailed with stratusfaction, and it's over at 2:40. Well, that sure did suck. Mickie James didn't even tag into the match! THAT SUCKS! Oh no, talking again... Mickie blah-blah-blah's, then nails her... with a kiss, but Trish turned away from it. So Mickie nails a sucky version of the Chick Kick, to the surprise of no one. Mickie with Mickie-faction, and that looked shitty too. Damn her ring work sure went downhill, or maybe she doesn't do Trish's moves well. Eh, who cares. -* Just for booking this on the show and the more than obvious heel turn by Mickie. WWE Unlimited shows us Mickie James cutting a whacked out promo... so aren't we supposed to feel sorry for her being turned down by Trish? Damn WWE's crappy booking.


- We run down the rest of the WrestleMania card: Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon, Mick Foley vs. Edge in a Hardcore Match, The Undertaker vs. Mark Henry, Money in the Bank (1 opponent still to be named), Kane & Big Show vs. Carlito & Chris Masters, The Boogeyman vs. Booker T, and of course, the two World Title matches we've already established.


- And now we get MORE talking, but first, here's a recap of Mark Henry's path of destruction, incase you missed Friday Night Smackdown! this past week, which has shown the same thing. And NOW more talking... but first again, it's ANOTHER COMMERCIAL! Mark Henry and Daivari call out the Undertaker, blah blah blah, tonga kid, samoa joe, rikishi, sika, and carlos colon. Out come some of the residents of Planet Druidia, bringing out the casket of the recently passed on Prince Valium, who overdosed on Pep-Up Pills. Hey, if the show is going to suck, I'll just humor myself. Undertaker: Texas Ranger comes out, trying poorly to look like a bad ass the levels of Chuck Norris, while Mark Henry scarfs down a quadruple cheese burger in one bite and Daivari cuts someones head off at ringside while sending the feed of the camera to George Dubya. After taking 67 minutes to get to the ring, Henry finishes eating the little boy at ringside, and it's time to get it on... in a game of Old Maid! Winner gets the last pork chop. Henry cheats of course, and eats the pork chop regardless, so Undertaker kicks him in the stomach, hoping he will cough it back up. Just when you thought it was safe to not hear these over-killed jokes, Jaws V makes his WWE debut, taking his vengeance out on the Undertaker, who is Ellen Brody's cousin 53 times removed, and says this time it's Really Really Really Really Personal. Just for the hell of it, the Ghost of Christmas Present comes out to kick Undertaker in his dentures, and complains about how the Undertaker possessed the soul of Roddy Piper to turn against his humble workers back in 1986. He doesn't explainw hy it took him so long to get his revenge. I guess he had to take a really massive dump from all the food he stole from Ebeneezer Scrooge.


- Street Fight Because Neither Guy Can Wrestle Worth A Shit Match:
"Brokeback Kid" Shawn Michaels vs. "Genetic Jackhammer Junior" Shane McMahon:
Yeah, I'm totally dogging it now, so if you're offended by my non-stop hatred for the Humpback Dick, stop reading and go find something else to read, like the Bible or Michael Jackson's Autobiography, "So Many Boys, So Little Time." Michaels comes out in his gay leather and cowboy chaps, and people wonder why he's made fun of for being a potential blowjob customer for Andy Dick in the movie Old School. Here comes the Monkey plays, as Curious George comes dancing out like his name is Booker T from earlier in the night. Queer Bait attacks Shane O'Mac on the top of the ramp and he be Clubbering, Tony! Wussy punches from the self-proclaimed Heartbreak Kid, despite being middle aged and having a receding hairline. Michaels bashes Shane with something for turning down his sexual advances. My dead grandmother can hit harder than that! Michaels sets up a table so he can bend over Shane and audition him for Chokeslam Mountain, starring Scrooge McSuck, Glen Jacobs, Don Rickles, and Tino Martinez. Now Shane pulls out a Ladder, no doubt trying to compensate for something else that might not MEASURE UP. Shane rams Shawn's brokeback into the ring post with the intensity of a 4 year old with a dirty diaper. Shane sets up the ladder in the ring, probably thinking about fixing the broken light above the ring. Vince lays Michaels down across the table, but Michaels refuses to see Vince's giant grape fruits, and now we get a pointless table spot, because neither guy can wrestle worth a shit. Okay, Shawn super-plexing Shane off the ladder, out of the ring, and through two tables is pretty cool... and now we go to another Commercial to kill the momentum of the match and make sure we don't hear Shawn and Shane calling spots to each other while pretending to play Katie Vick. Thankfully Kane isn't anywhere near the arena. Back in the ring, and HBK gives Shane a shot to the mouth. Michaels puts Shane on his back and climbs on top... of the ladder. Naturally, his old body can't do that without about 6 minutes of preperation. Since both men are too tired, out of shape, or old to do anything, we see 620 replays of the super-plex. Shane busts Michaels in the face with his massive ladder, and now Michaels is getting ready for somw Sweet Doggystyle Music. Shane rams it in his butt, but it only gets two. Michaels continues no-selling Shane's thick and long Ladder, probably jealous he couldn't get something that big to work with. Shawn spreads his legs for Vince while Shane holds him back, but thankfully they don't relive their special moments from the day of SummerSlam '96. Note to Shane: You can't wrestle. Just saying, incase I haven't made my point yet. Tornado DDT by Shane, and Shane rubs his head into HBK's crotch for good measure, but it's only for two again. Nice blocking of the chair Shawn. That only looked about 99% fake to my blurred vision, suffered from smelling the stink of this garbage. Shane attempts to steal RVD's big move again, but it nails Vince instead. Vince took that like a man, too, I should point out. HBK with his bareback kip-up, and by now, you'd think someone would wise up and kick him in his back during it all. Michaels gets ready for Sweet Chin Music, but he's shooting blanks tonight, completely misses Shane's face. Vince pulls the referee out, for those who care, cause I sure as hell don't. Michaels threatens bodily harm to Vince, but Shane fists him. Shane with the Sharpshooter, a.k.a the reverse 69, and Vince rings the fucking bell at 13:52. Well, a shit finish to a shit match. I didn't even bother to watch the match, so no rating.


[b]Final Thoughts:[/b This show sucked even more than I expected, and now replaces the 11/88 SNME for worst Saturday Night's Main Event Ever, and really, that was a hard thing to accomplish.

WWF PrimeTime Wrestling - Holiday Special 1986:

WWF PrimeTime Wrestling Holiday Special (December 23rd, 1986)


- Courtesy of WWE 24/7 (I wish I got it, but I do have a problem with their shitty editing because they're too cheap to pay for non-WWE licensed music and stuff of that nature, and of course, editing out the name "WWF" whenever mentioned. Wayback when, PrimeTime used to be host for matches from arena shows usually held on local television (the most popular being the MSG Network, NESN hosting Boston Garden, and PRISM hosting the Spectrum). Gradually they started slipping in more "exclusive matches" until the era of running those arena shows on T.V. came to an end. The darkest day ever was no longer being able to watch a WWF card on the MSG network. DAMN YOU MCMAHON! DAMN YOU TO HELL!


- Dig this old opening video! Hosts from the PrimeTime Wrestling studio are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. Even if all of these matches suck, at least the segments in between by these two will cheer me up. The set is decorated with christmas trees, a wreath, lights, and of course, presents! Heenan makes sure to point out that he won't be offended if Monsoon gave him cash for Christmas. Apparently Paul Orndorff doesn't celebrate Christmas, according to Heenan. And right off the bat we're off to the matches...


- Blackjack Mulligan vs. Jimmy Jack Funk:
Much like almost every match from this show, this is taken from the December 6th, 1986 even held at the Boston Garden, unless otherwise noted. Mulligan's run (as himself, not Super Machine) from this time frame was one of those "blink and you probably won't care enough to miss him" that has some old timer come back for 3-4 months, do nothing of note, then vanish without a trace. Jimmy Jack was the WWF's solution to replacing Terry Funk. Just guess how well that one turned out. Jimmy Jack runs seconds after the match starts, so Mulligan stomps on his hat. That isn't a nice thing to do! A few minutes are wasted with Blackjack removing his chaps and spurs. Fucking cheater, trying to get away with wearing them. Funk can't slam Mulligan, then runs outside again. Squint and Mulligan looks like Super Mario with the red shirt, blue jeans, and brown shoes. Give him a cap and a stereotypical Italian accent and he could have a second career as a plumber that fights evil reptiles and saves a princess from castles every 6 months. This match sucks, incase you couldn't tell from my really way out there and off track commentary. Mulligan doesn't sell much, and that's all you have to know. Criss-cross sequence, and Mulligan nails a diving elbow to score the three count at 5:34. Afterwards, Funk attacks, but Mulligan fights off using the rope and cow bell, scaring off the Repo Man's cousin. Crappy match, but my comments ruled. (DUD)


- Back to the studio with Heenan and Monsoon. Heenan makes fun of Texans for listening to Willie Nelson and living in dirt. Monsoon brings up Heenan's lies he told to his kids (eh? kayfabe broke!) that Santa didn't come because he lost the directions. Heenan then claims his favorite holiday is Easter, since all you have to do is give someone a bunch of eggs. I'm amazed he would spend that much on someone not himself. Anyway, back to the action to balance out the good with some bad...


- "Special Delivery" Jones vs. Iron Mike Sharpe:
As if I'm really going to pay attention to this match. Mike Sharpe makes sure to point out to the ring announcer that he's CANADA'S GREATEST ATHLETE! Sadly, Jones doesn't have his pajamas on, and instead opts to wear some weird patterned jacket. Monsoon brings up the never-ending "wrist protection" Sharpe has been wearing, then brings up Wayne Gretzky to oppose the "Canada's Greatest Athlete" claim that Sharpe uses for himself. Like in every match of his ever, Sharpe stalls a lot, then screams loud to show that he's trying to sell. I guess he trained Lex Luger, another guy guilty of screaming too much when getting his ass kicked. If you've seen one Sharpe match, you've seen them all. The guy sucks, plain and simple. This dog is fast-forward material all the way, unless you like seeing a terrible and heatless match between two Jobbers. To my surprise, this match doesn't go to a time limit draw, but Jones with it with the lamest move ever to end a match... the black slide, at 8:26. We get a helpful replay of the closing moments, incase we didn't already see it, or if it included anything worth watching again. (DUD)


- Studio time again! Monsoon claims Jones hasn't been doing well in the win/loss department. No fucking shit. Heenan points out a present has a banana on it, so it must be for Gorilla. Monsoon goes nuts laughing at a present addressed to Heenan, with what looks like a rubber chicken sticking out of it. Nevermind, it's probably a Weasel.


- Special Update hosted by Mean Gene Okerlund and brought to you by the pages of the WWF Magazine! Several weeks ago on SuperStars of Wrestling, Randy Savage seriously injured Ricky Steamboat's throat while dropping down off the top rope across Steamboat, who's throat was put across the security railing. We see Steamboat going to a speech rehabiliator, who teaches him how to say "E" again. What is this, Sesame Street? Steamboat grunts like he has to take a massive shit.


- Heenan says Steamboat forgot what the alphabet was and hopes het gets cash for Christmas, because his career is over. Monsoon talks about Blackjack Mulligan again. Heenan blames him for the reason why Texas has no grass. He's been grazing for the last 6 months.
- We cut to a video of Blackjack Mulligan, but who cares?
- We then cut to a video of Jesse Ventura trying to get a scoop form Andre the Giant about his reinstatement (he was suspended for whatever reason and pulled a Midnight Rider). Andre tells Ventura it's none of his business how the suspension was lifted.
- Monsoon and Heenan question how Andre had his suspension lifted, since Heenan was the one responsible, and was present for the hearing in question. Heenan won't talk. Heenan BS' his way out of giving gifts to the camera and stage crew of PrimeTime Wrestling, and it's time for another match...


- Pedro Morales vs. King Harley Race:
10 years earlier, and this would've headlined every arena in the country, and might've been WWWF vs. NWA World Champion, but my knowledge of their title reigns suck, so I'm probably wrong. However, this is 1986 we're talking about, and both men were well pas their primes. Thank God this one is Joined in Progress, or I might have to smash my hands in a door again. Race controls for the most part, using some basic stuff like headlocks and knees across the chest. Race with a headbutt and piledriver, but Morales kicks out at 2.9999. Morales starts mounting a comeback, doing nothing more than punching until Race spills through the ropes. Race gets introduced to the steel ring post and falls back down to the concrete. Morales continues his assault, but a small package only gets a two count. A back body drop gets another two count. Morales tosses the referee aisde to punch some more. Race sweeps the legs from under Morales, and with the help of the ropes, rolls up Morales for the three count at 6:37. Well, that finish has always been a non-favorite of mine, but what was shown wasn't too bad, considering these guys were going in slow-motion. (*1/4)


- Monsoon with one of his tired (and still funny jokes), saying if the referee were hung for being a good referee, they would be hanging an innocent person. Monsoon opens the present for him, and it's a Gorilla holding a banana. Heenan wants to know if he got cash with it. Heenan refuses the present of the stuffed animal as we go to...


- EBENEEZER PIPER! Thank God WWE corrected themselves here, because I could've sworn on the Tuesday Night Titans video release, they spelled it "Ebineezer", and really, is it that fucking hard to spell Ebeneezer Scrooge? Even if you've only read the book or seen one of the 500 fucking versions of the film, you should know how to spell it. Anyway, I'm ranting.

Despite this being 1986 Roddy Piper, it's not very good. However, it's not that bad either. Some old schmuck (Jacob Marley character) comes in to scare Piper. Piper says he died of smoking, judging from the smoke coming from his window. Piper takes exception to being called nice. The Ghost of Christmas Past shows up now. (Piper: It's Tiny Tim's father!) Piper just shoots insults at the guy, who shows us footage of a young Roddy stealing money from his classmates (Piper: I had to eat, and I didn't take no lunch money from him anyway!). The Ghost of Christmas Present is next (it's Jesus Christ!) to show us footage of the Cratchit's, who can't wrap presents because Piper stole their scotch tape. I thought they were too poor to eat, let alone buy presents. Piper just shrugs off the warning, mumbling and playing with his bank of pennies. Next is the Ghost of Christmas Future, and I could've sworn Piper says, and I quote "You're an ugly fucker." We get a picture of a terrible drawing of a gravestone, which happens to be Piper's. Piper yells at the ghost and throws pennies at him. Marley returns, so Piper yells at him more (Piper: You wanna know why you're dead? Because you wore those chains when you were alive!), kicks him out of his house, and goes back to sleep.


- Mean Gene Okerlund comes onto the set of PrimeTime Wrestling, bringing a gift to Gorilla, and giving Heenan nothing. Okerlund claims Heenan owes him $500 for the Denver game still, but Weaseled out of the bet. Heenan disputes the claims, since Okerlund doesn't know who they played against. Heenan out-smarting someone for once rules! Monsoon continues to toy with the stuffed animal given to Heenan as we are sent to the next match.


- "The Rebel" Dick Slater vs. Steve Lombardi:
We're joined in progress once again, and I still won't complain. For my comments about Slater, just look up about Mulligan and the "quick stint" explanation. This was pre-Brawler days for Lombardi, but he sucked his entire career, so it doesn't matter what outfit he's wearing. He could dress up as Kimchee, Doink, the Brawler, and Abe Schwartz at once and I sitll wouldn't care... okay, that's a lie. It would be pretty funny now that I think about it. This should be nothing more than an extended squash, but Slater was hardly pushed strong in the WWF, so you never know. Really boring "wrestling" from Slater, who just changes from resthold to resthold for a few minutes, and since Lombardi can't sell a dick in his ass, it comes across even worse. Lombardi gets some token offense, but Slater finishes him off with a double underhook suplex for the three count at 5:27. Oh well, at least this was kept short. I was right too, it wasn't much more than a squash for Slater. (1/4*)


- Monsoon makes fun of Steve Lombardi's anti-winning streak. Heenan continues to balk at giving presents to the PrimeTime Wrestling Crew. Monsoon appears to be having a ball the entire run of the show. Monsoon finally exposes the Weasel Doll.
- We cut to some schmuck interviewer, who talks with the NEW U.S. Express... Mike Rotundo, and the guy who won the Looks most like Barry Windham in 1986 Award, Danny Spivey. Sadly Spivey didn't have the talent of Windham, or anywhere near the level. They just talk a bit, who cares.
- Monsoon points out that the Weasel doll has "Bobby #1" printed across the back of it, but Heenan isn't buying it, and refuses the present again.


- Corporal Kirchner vs. Dino Bravo (w/ Johnny V):
We're still in Boston, and sadly this match isn't going to be clipped. I have seen very little of Kirchner, but from what I gather, he's a cheap replacement for Sgt. Slaughter (see also: Sivi Afi/Jimmy Snuka), and didn't get over enough to earn his spot on the roster. This was fairly early in Bravo's newest run with the WWF, sporting his natural colored hair still. I guess this is a natural combination, since Kirchner is a flag wearing moron who wears a goofy berret, and Bravo is an evil foreigner. Kirchner's music sounds to be played from one of those old-time music playing machines that I can't come up with a name for. It sounds really old fashioned, period. Squint and Kirchner kinda looks like Greg Gagne during his Rambo Wanna-Be period in the AWA, except with the same level of talent. The bastard Kirchner even has the nerves to kick out of Bravo's side suplex! I guess it wasn't his finisher yet. Kirchner gets some token babyface comeback offense in, but Johnny V causes a distraction, allowing Bravo to kill Kirchner with a back suplex for the three count at 3:34. That was pretty damn quick, but that's not a bad thing. It's still weird looking at Bravo without the bleach blond hair. (3/4*)


- Monsoon makes fun of Kirchner for being too stupid to go after Johnny Valiant, and Heenan agrees with him for once. Monsoon offers Heenan the present he bought for him, but Heenan doesn't want it since he saw the Weasel doll given to him earlier in the show. Heenan keeps teasing having presents for the crew, but nothing is brought in yet.


- The Junkyard Dog vs. "Adorable" Adrian Adonis:
Oh....... shit. I like Adrian Adonis, but not as much during his really fat and acting queer character. The guy was in terrible shape, and it's weird seeing him as a NYC leather-wearing tough guy to being this cream puff! Junkyard Dog is really over, but I've never been much of a fan of his in-ring stuff, so I expect this match to suck. Adonis appears to be missing Jimmy Hart in his corner, so he stalls even more than usual, thanks to JYD threatening him with his chain. I wonder why we never got a Hercules/JYD Feud, for the obvious reasons. The classy Boston crowd chants "Fag-got" at Adonis. Blech, Adonis is REALLY out of shape. He makes Dusty Rhodes look like Hulk Hogan here! It's been over 4-minutes since the bell rang, and we haven't gotten as much as a lock-up yet. Finally some action, and a shoulder block sends Adonis out of the ring again. Adonis gets caught in the ropes next, and it's time for JYD's signature headbutts. Lots of nothing happens until Adonis applies the "Good Night Irene" sleeper, and the action spills out of the ring. JYD headbutts Adonis to hell, then runs back into the ring to beat the Count-Out at 7:36, and picking up the ultra cheap finish. I was thinking going with a worse rating than my final one, but it was thankfully kept short. Time to play GRAB THEM CAKES! (-*)


- Heenan shows off one of the Bobby Heenan LJN figures to the camera as we go to a commercial break. They talk about Outback Jack (or as Heenan calls him "Outhouse Jack"), and we cut to a vignette of Outback Jack being marked by a tribe of Australian outback people. Funny, they look more like Africans than Australians. Now they talk about questionable referee Danny Davis, who cuts a promo not caring about the fans boo'ing his decisions. HEEL TURN!


- WWF World Championship Match:
Hulk Hogan © vs. Hercules Hernandez (w/ Bobby Heenan):
In the ultimate lame act, the big feature match promised this week is nothing more than recycled trash from the November '86 episode of Saturday Night's Main Event. Sadly we don't see the footage of Slick selling the contract of Hercules to Heenan (cash only), nor do we see Hogan's "this is where the power lies" promo that Ventura makes reference to throughout the match. I won't go into detail here, since I've seen the match enough times to say there's nothing much to note, anyway. Quickly to the finish, Hercules puts Hogan in his back breaker submission (a.k.a the Torture Rack everywhere else in the world at the time), but stupidly lets go of the hold, allowing Hogan to HULK UP~!, and you know the rest: punch-punch-punch slam or boot and leg drop finishing him off at around the 8:00 mark. Ventura naturally calls foul on the whole thing, claiming Hogan had already submit while in the hold. After the match, Monsoon and Heenan wrap things up in the studio. (3/4*)


Final Thoughts: If not for the awesome stuff with Heenan and Monsoon, these old episodes of PrimeTime Wrestling look like complete dog shit. While it's cool to see some old exclusive matches from various arena shows, they seemed to always pick the bad matches from each. Oh well, since old episodes of PTW are rare, I would recommend it just for the sake of getting copies of them.

WWF March to WrestleMania VIII: A Tribute to Hulk Hogan:

As usual for the WWF From around 1990-1995, here's a special episode of PrimeTime Wrestling (and later years Monday Night Raw) for one final hype job for the big WrestleMania show coming out later in the week. In this case, the show is focused more on Hulk Hogan, who might or might not retire after WrestleMania, where he faces Sid Justice in one-half of the Double Main Events. Vince McMahon hosts the show from a studio lined up with lifesized photos of Hogan. Tonight we'll be seeing some of Hogan's biggest matches at WrestleMania and then-some....



- WWF World Championship Match:
Hulk Hogan © vs. Andre The Giant (w/ Bobby Heenan) ---- from WrestleMania III:
Commentary is handled by Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan, probably because Ventura was suing them over using his voice, or maybe because Ventura signed with WCW recently to do commentary. It's your pick. I'll spare the detailed PBP for this match, since I've already reviewed this one about 6 times already. Heenan still insists that Andre pinned Hogan at the start when Hogan failed to slam him. Monsoon tries stirring shit 5 years later by pointing out Heenan walked away from Andre, who was looking for advice. Heenan blames Andre not being a champion because he didn't listen to him, and runs down Andre for being stupid and not understanding english. Heenan makes fun of Bob Uecker for saying Andre didn't have a chance against Hogan. Monsoon works in some jokes now, ragging on Heenan's waiter suit from that night, and Heenan comes back saying he might wear it for WrestleMania VIII. Monsoon: I thought you had that dry-cleaned and burned. In one of the funnier "not intentional" moments, Monsoon pimps the WrestleMania Hotline during Andre's boring bearhug spot. Heenan: Is it possible I can call collect? I left my wallet in my other pants. Monsoon: You left your wallet in another life! We're at the finish of the match... you know the deal. Hogan slams Andre, then drops the leg for the three count at around the 12:00 mark. 1/2* Same rating as always. The match was probably the most important in the history of the WWF at that point, and it's possibly the worst WrestleMania Main Event in terms of actual wrestling. I'd give extra points based on the new commentary, but that wouldn't be fair to the other 50 times I've watched it.



- Highlights from SummerSlam '91, where Hogan does his usual posedown, then invites special referee Sid Justice to join him. Fast forward to the 1992 Rumble, and Sid eliminates Hogan from behind... too SUPER-CANNED HEEL HEAT. The live crowd actually cheered Sid's actions, and boo'ed Hogan. Now to the Press Conference to determine the #1 Contender, and Sid gets pissy because Hogan was named Flair's opponent. TUNNEY'S DECISION WAS BOGUS!!! Clips from Saturday Night's Main Event, where Sid walked out on Hogan and officially turned heel. Later that week on the Barber Shop, Sid Justice turns faces in the smarks eyes by smashing up the set and generally scaring the shit out of Brutus Beefcake. EVEN MORE EVIL ACTS! He "breaks the nose" of Virgil on an episode of SuperStars. MORE CLIPS! From the 2/23/92 MSG... it's the entire match!



- Hercules vs. Sid Justice (w/ Dr. Harvey Wippleman):
Hercules was still a heel here, but was on his way out at the time, and spent time wrestling other heels like the Barbarian and the Warlord (in losing efforts) on Primetime Wrestling. Justice had recently turned heel at the first ever Saturday Night's Main Event on FOX, setting up his match with Hogan at Wrestlemania. I never really got the reason behind WWF calling him Sid "Justice", but I guess NWA suddenly owned the name "Vicious." Really, after turning heel, how could he be Sid "Justice", since that name was conditioned for a babyface? Justice runs down Hercules for being a loser before the match, and gives him the chance to take a hike. Hercules responds by punching Sid in the face a few times, sending Sid outside. The chase is on, and Justice makes short work of Hercules, hammering away, booting him in the midsection and nailing the powerbomb for three at 0:26. Hercules, by the way, made sure to protect his head on the way down, and absolutely no sells it after the pin is made. DUD, for those who really need to know what kind of a rating a match that doesn't even last 30 seconds gets.



- "Rowdy" Roddy Piper vs. Shawn Michaels (w/ Sensational Sherri):
Wow, remember when Michaels was considered a warm-up for Champions? Both men have matches set for WrestleMania VIII: Piper defends the IC Title against Bret Hart, and Michaels gets to go over WrestleMania's Biggest Jobber, Tito Santana. This is Non-Title, so everyone can be fooled into thinking Michaels will actually pin Piper. Plenty of stalling to start, including Sherri looking up Piper's skirt and Piper smacking her ass. Shoving from both men, then slapping, instigated by Shawn Michaels of course, since only wussy men start SLAP FIGHTS. Piper wins that contest easily, by the way. Michaels with a side headlock, and he comes off the ropes with a cross body. Piper revers the momentum for a two count. Michaels comes back with a victory roll for another two count. Michaels misses a dropkick, and Piper slingshots him into the post for a two count. Sherri gets on the apron, so Piper gives her a big wet one as we go to a commercial. We come back with Michaels clotheslining Piper over the top rope to the floor. Michaels sends Piper into the steps, then comes off the apron with a sledge to the back of the head. Piper no-sells and now it's a BRAWL! Back into the ring, and Michaels hammers away with rights, followed by boots to the midsection. Reverse chinlock time! Piper fights free with elbows, but he runs into a reverse crescent kick. No pin, since this was before anyone sold the move like it was death. Piper tries for his tear-drop suplex thing, but Piper pokes him in the eyes. They exchange punches, with Piper winning that again. Michaels gets whipped onto the buckle, and Piper kicks him off, crotching Michaels across the top rope. Michaels eats buckle again, but the referee gets taken out during a bulldog attempt. Sherri tosses her high heel boot to Michaels (...), and nails Piper between the eyes. No referee, no count. Out comes Bret Hart now, and he tosses the boot to Piper. He whiffs on his shot at Michaels, and the revived referee calls for the DQ at 8:06, awarding the match to Shawn Michaels. BOO! After the match, Piper and Bret have words, because we all know it was face miscommunication. I can't say I didn't enjoy this match, even if it had a cheap finish (which loses points from the rating) and wasn't very long. Plus the crowd was REALLY into it, judging by the crowd's movements. (**3/4)



- Randy Savage/Ric Flair Recap. The match was already scheduled before an angle began, but that was a smart move, when you really think about it. Flair, the arrogant dickhead, wanted to get into Savage's mind, and used Elizabeth as his pawn, by exposing "photos" of them, trying to insinuate they had a relationship before she "married" Randy. Knowing that Savage was a hot-head that couldn't control his actions, this was the perfect way to get at him. Too bad we never got to see the Centerfold at WrestleMania VIII that Flair promised.



- Ric Flair (w/ Mr. Perfect) vs. "Jumping" Jim Brunzell:
Onto the squash matches, I guess. This is obviously a Non-Title match, considering that Brunzell is nowhere close to being a contender to any championship. 14 years later, Ric Flair just finished a 5-month long reign as Intercontinental Champion and is wrestling in Ladder Matches. For those that care about this sort of thing, Brunzell has some fruity rainbow colored underpants on. Lockup into the corner, and Brunzell gives a clean break. WOO! Lockup #2, and Flair applies a side headlock. Irish whip to escape, and Flair puts him down with a shoulder block. Brunzell comes back with a hip toss, slam, and a side headlock takeover. Flair takes it into the corner, and we get a clean break(!). Flair with a thumb to the eyes, followed by chops in the corner. WRESTLEMANIA HOTLINE PLUG! (Monsoon: When have you ever heard of a 900 number that you can call collect? Heenan: Then lend me $1.49. Monsoon: Get lost! Heenan: You dead beat...) Back to the match... Flair with a back suplex, followed by a knee drop across the forhead for a two count. Flair with an atomic drop, and a WOO! Brunzell comes back with rights in the corner. Irish whip across the ring, and Brunzell with a back drop. Irish whip, and it's the MOST ELECTRIFYING DROPKICK IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT for a two count. Brunzell applies a sleeper hold, but Flair escapes, connects with an atomic knee drop, and the Figure-Four ends it at 3:58. Pretty competitive for a squash match, so I can grade it a bit more fairly. Fun for what it was, but still too short. (*1/2)



- Vince McMahon with a very special at-home edition interview with the lovely Mrs. Macho (I swear, that's what they were calling Randy and her after SummerSlam '91). Probably the longest Elizabeth interview in her entire WWF run, which consisted of getting yelled at by Randy, saying two words and getting yelled at by Randy, or just being a low talker. The short and sweet version: Flair's photos are fake, Randy and her will prove that they're fake, blah blah blah, bling bling bling, blah.



- Title for Title Match:
Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior ---- From WrestleMania VI:
Once again, new commentary is added into the match, with Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. This is the FOURTH version of the match I have with different commentary and probably the 6th or 7th copy period: The original, with Monsoon and Lord Alfred, this, and the one where they just took out Ventura's commentary. Again, I've reviewed this too many times to begin with, so you won't be getting detailed PBP. Monsoon and Heenan spend the entrances hyping up Savage/Flair for WrestleMania VIII, then move onto Hogan/Sid. It's really not the same watching this match with commentary using it as a background to hype the upcoming WrestleMania. Another Hotline Plug while Hogan walks around outside the ring, trying to sell a knee injury (Heenan: I managed to scrape up 49 cents, can you loan me the other buck?). And now for the usual make fun of Canadians line (Heenan: These people amaze me here in Toronto. You hear them counting to 10? I'm surprised they can do that... eh?). We take a commercial break after both go down with the double clothesline spot. Monsoon accuses Heenan of being a pick-pocket, so Heenan goes through a detailed rant about how one time he was trying to find somones number in a guys pocket, but it ended up being in his wallet. Fast forward time, because I'm getting lazy... and Heenan talks about two Canadian sisters he met, allowing Monsoon to work in his "Will you stop!?!" line. Hulk Up time, leg drop misses, and Warrior splashes for the cover and the World Title at 22:39. Probably Warrior's best match up until this point, and it really shows that Hogan was capable of pulling a good match out of a slug's ass if he wanted to. Yes, the entire match was planned out it advance, but the entire pace was controlled by Hogan, and he conveniently has to go to resting every few minutes because Warrior was gassed about 90 seconds into the match and thus couldn't do much other than suck the wind out of the first 40 rows. After the match, Hogan presents Warrior with the World Title, which seems to be the passing of the torch. Too bad the Warrior tanked as champion and Hogan was brought back into the picture for another reign, making this pointless by the next year. (***1/4)



- Now it's time to hype up Undertaker/Roberts with more Flashbacks! After Saturday Night's Main Event went off the air, the Undertaker prevented Roberts from using a steel chair on Savage and Elizabeth. A few weeks later on the Funeral Parlor, Roberts questioned whose side the Undertaker was on. His reponse was short and simple: "Not yours." Roberts responded by slamming the coffin on Undertaker's hand, DDT'ing Paul Bearer, and smacking the Undertaker around with a steel chair. Just incase you couldn't guess, Undertaker no-sold everything like he usually does.



- Jake "The Snake" Roberts vs. Jim Powers:
Another squash, but at least they brought out the Jobber All-Stars for this episode. Random comment: Jake's heel theme music was kick-ass, and the "Trust me" line is something I can't help but use when I'm lying my ass off. I doubt many people even remember the line comes from wrestling, espescially since it hasn't been used for 14 years. Roberts with a wristlock to start, and into the armbar. Powers ecapes with a hip toss, and backs Roberts down into the corner. Powers with a standing side headlock, and keeps it applied despite several irish whip escape attempts. Roberts with a back suplex, but again Powers keeps it applied. Irish whip to escape finally, and Roberts side steps Powers, causing him to fly over the top rope. That's what you get for teaming with Paul Roma. Back into the ring, and Roberts pounds away on Powers with his signature jabs. Powers ducks the short-arm clothesline(!) and hammers away with rights. ANOTHER HOTLINE PLUG! (Heenan: I got a buck now, give me 49 cents (Monsoon refuses) Boy are you tight...) Irish whip to the corner, but Roberts is playing possum, and nails the clothesline. Roberts connects with the DDT, and if you bet on Powers getting up, you'd be out of money. Roberts with the pin at 3:07 (Heenan: I wish he would DDT Mike McGirk on an escelator) Decent for a squash, but not as good as Flair/Brunzell from earlier in the show. (3/4*)



- The Natural Disasters vs. Kato & Barry Horowitz:
I wonder if the All-Star Jobber Team has a chance... and what's with Horowitz teaming up with these ''Japanese'' guys? First Kato, then Hakushi, and probably that other Japanese dude in WCW during 1999. The Disasters have a date with Money Inc. for the Tag Team Titles at WrestleMania VIII, so here they get to have a warm-up match. Kato and Typhoon lockup into the coner. Kato with a rake of the eyes and stomps to the midsection, but a hip toss doesn't wortk. Horowitz comes in to help, but Typhoon no-sells and clotheslines both down. Typhoon carries Kato into his corner, and Earthquake tags in to squash him. Earthquake with a powerslam, followed by an elbow drop. Horowitz tags in to try his luck, and is quickly put down with an atomic drop. Earthquake with a back breaker, and he calls for the end. THE VERTICAL SPLASH! Sadly, Typhoon doesn't do his Big Splash to complete the double team, so it's over at 1:58. Super-Squash, and not a very good one, either. (DUD)



Promotional Consideration paid for by the following... G.I. Joe action figures! The WWF Ring with DEMOLITON AND THE ROCKERS. Talk about being out-dated. Randy Savage pimping Slim Jims! Need a little excitment? Snap into a slim jim! Lord Alfred pimps Sneaker Tamers! WWF Super WrestleMania available on the Super NES!



- Vince McMahon with another very special interview, this time with the IMMORTAL HUUUUUULK HOGAN! This is unlike pretty much every Hogan interview ever at this point. No hollering "Wha'cha gonna do?!", no rambling like an idiot, and pretty much being as out of character as possible. Heck, he's not even wearing any Hulkster merchandise! A very humble Interview from Hogan, who at the time was considering retiring to spend time with his family and work on his film career. Obviously the latter failed, and money thrown left and right at him by WCW in 1994 brought him back in the gold full time again. Vince ends the Interview and the show thanking Hogan for what he's done for the WWF and the Hulkamaniacs.



Final Thoughts: A fun show overall, but the broadcasting of Andre/Hogan and Warrior/Hogan ate up a lot of time, and thus we got only one true "feature match" and a handful of extended squashes. The show did a good job hyping the card, showcasing all the top feuds and participants on the show, and using the time they had as best as possible without actually giving away main event matches. Oh yeah, and Heenan and Monsoon are once again gold on commentary. Thumbs up says I for March to WrestleMania VIII.

WWF March to WrestleMania IX:

- Yes, another hype show for a WrestleMania. Blah blah blah, WrestleMania the next week, big matches on the show, zip-zip-zip. I reviewed this show a long time ago, but it sure as shit wasn't good, so here's a new and hopefully improved version. Vince McMahon and Bobby Heenan (WOO!) provide commentary for all matches, except for the "Flashback" stuff. Just a quick note, that this tape is missing the very special interview with the Mega-Maniacs.


- This week on Wrestling Challenge: The Contract Signing between Bret Hart and Yokozuna. If you don't know what to expect from a contract signing, you have no right to call yourself a wrestling fan. Yokozuna naturally attacks Hart, and laid him out with the Banzai Drop... but the Hitman has heart (No pun intended), and got up for some more. Sure, it took him about a decade, but he got up!


- "Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji):
Woah, talk about giving away a main event caliber match just to hype up WrestleMania IX. Those with too much time on their hands may remember these two were the last man in the ring for the Royal Rumble Match, and Savage stupidly tried PINNING Yokozuna. I guess he forgot pinfalls don't count in a Royal Rumble Match (or battle royals, period). Heenan tries accusing Bret Hart of paying Savage off to hurt Yokozuna. The bell rings, and Yokozuna takes his sweet (fat) ass time getting ready. Savage uses the speed of the Madness to avoid Yokozuna, but a lockup isn't going in his favor. Savage with a standing side headlock, but a shoulder block doesn't work, either. Yokozuna pounds away on Savage, then dumps him over the top rope. Yokozuna follows out to keep up the punishment. Back into the ring, and Yokozuna continues the chopping. Savage fights back wth a series of jabs and roundhouse rights, but Yokozuna puts him down with a shot to the throat. Yokozuna with a scoop slam, followed by the scariest leg drop in wrestling history. Yokozuna with choking in the corner. The reverse avalanch misses, and Savage comes off the top rope with a double axehandle. Savage goes up top once again, but Fuji nails him with the flag pole, knocking Savage off. Yokozuna with a belly-to-belly suplex, and it's over at 6:36. Damn that's surprising to see Savage job so quickly and getting so little offense. Afterwards, Yokozuna tries doing more damage, but Savage fights him off. HURRAY FOR THE MATCH-O MAN! I hate giving Savage bad ratings (back when he actually tried having good matches), but this nothing more than an extended squash... and not in Savage's favor. (3/4*)


- Highlights from the 1993 Royal Rumble. Bobby Heenan, after weeks of hype, unvails his newest find... The Narcissus, Lex Luger! Obviously, the character of "Narcissus" (the original spelling before he became "Narcissist"), was that of a person in love with himself. Judging by the reports of how Lex Luger was backstage, that wasn't much of a stretch. We follow with highlights of Lex Luger KO'ing random jobbers and Jim Powers with his forearm. Obviously this was before we found out it was loaded with steel plates.


- Mr. Perfect vs. Skinner:
Speaking of Lex Luger, it's time for his WrestleMania opponent (Mr. Perfect) to get in some warm-up matches. Too bad Monsoon isn't doing commentary, taking away our chance to hear him call Skinner a "filthy pig" nearly a year since Skinner stopped chewing tobacco and bringing his spitoon to ringside. Heenan takes credit for teaching Perfect the "toss towel behind back and catch it" spot. Skinner attacks from behind with a unch to the ass and a rake of the eyes. Skinner makes Perfect eat buckle and tosses him over the top rope. Skinner with some biting, and now Perfect eats steel. McMahon accuses Heenan and/or Luger of paying off Skinner to take out Perfect. Perfect comes back by ramming Skinner into the steps, then whipping him into the ring post. Back into the ring, and Skinner clotheslines Perfect with his belt. WHOOPIN' TIME! Why isn't the referee DQ'ing Skinner for whipping Perfect with his belt? Irish whip, and Skinner puts Perfect down with a back elbow. More biting from Skinner, and rights across the forhead. Skinner boots Perfect down and chokes some more. Perfect with rights to the midsection, but Skinner rakes the eyes to break his momentum. Irish whip across the ring, and Skinner misses... something, crotching himself on the middle turnbuckle. Ew, imagine SKINNER giving someone a bronco buster! Perfect with an atomic drop, followed by chops in the corner. Irish whip across the ring, and Perfect mounts him for some more punches. Perfect with a running knee lift, followed by the float-over neck snap. Perfect pounds away some more and clubs him across the chest. (Heenan: Come on Skinner, you want your money? Get Up.. No wait, I mean the Winner's share!) In the meantime, Skinner bops Perfect with his Gator-Claw thing. Irish whip, and Perfect surprises Skinner with the Perfect-Plex, and that's good enough for the three count at 5:27. Good match for the limited time, but Perfect should've had more offense, considering Skinner was pretty damn low on the card by this point, and Mr. Perfect wasn't treated as a joke like he was in 2002. (**)


- Kamala (w/ Reverend Slick) vs. Kim-Chee:
Another match with a backstory to it! That's M-Azing! Again, for those who have a life not to remember, Kamala turned face a few weeks before the Royal Rumble, with the help of Slick, he convinced Kamala that he was a man! Kim-Chee is played by veteran Jobber Steve Lombardi, a.k.a the Brooklyn Brawler, a.k.a Doink #673, a.k.a Abe Schwartz, a.k.a Pat Patterson's Love Toy. To the amazement of myself, Kim-Chee gets an entrance! KC backs Kamala into the corner and hammers away. Trash talking and punching, punching and trash talking. Actually, that's pretty much Steve Lombardi's moveset, no matter who he's wrestling as or wrestling against. Kamala fights back though with his signature stuff (crappy chops and reverse cresent kick) before finishing KC off with the splash... but it takes a while to cover properly, but it's stilla three count at 2:10. After the match, Kamala and Slick steal Kim-Chee's hat. The highlight of match: Slick doing his old "Jive" dancing while wearing the funky hat. That's enough to bring it out of the DUD territory, since it was basically a squash match. (1/4*)


- Oh no... it's the WrestleManua Music Video! Why the hell does Gene Okerlund as "Who will survive?" when they're talking about WrestleMania? Newer fans will recognize the tune as Linda McMahon's theme music sans lyrics. It's a bad video, but the tune is so damn catchy you can't help humming it for the rest of the day. Makes you want to stab yourself in the ears, doesn't it?


- Flashback to the 2/15/93 Monday Night Raw: Brutus Beefcake made his "anticipated" return to the ring in a match with Ted Dibiase, but the evil duo if Dibiase and Irwin R. Schyster ran a foul of the rules, and bashed his surgically repaired face with Irwin's briefcase. The actions of Money Inc. lead to the face turn of Jimmy Hart, who fealt it was too much to do to Beefcake what they did. The next week, Hulk Hogan made his return to the WWF after a near year long absence. Clips of Mega Maniacs (the newly named team of Hogan/Beefcake) and Money Inc. talking finish up the "We Want the Belts" challenge.


- Money Inc. vs. Reno Riggins & Jerry Sabin:
Before the match, Irwin runs down the Mega-Maniacs. Hmm... I guess that match means more to him than the tax deadline coming up in 18 days (as of the date of the show, of course). Another squash match, continuing the dead period of this show. Sabin with a headlock on I.R.S., followed by a shoulder block and hip toss. Irwin dumps Sabin through the ropes, where Dibiase works him over for getting in too much offense. Riggins tags in to the appreciation of one person, and gets double teamed upon entry. Dibiase with chops in the corner, and takes Riggins over with a back drop. Irwin tags in to pound on Riggins, and Dibiase comes back in to do more of the same. Dibiase wih a suplex, then Irwin with one of his own, followed by a snap elbow drop. Dibiase in once more, and the Million $ Dream puts Riggins to sleep at 2:55. Yup, a basic squash match, but it's always fun watching Dibiase and Rotundo beat the crap out of scrubs. (1/4*)


- Flashback to the 2/13/93 episode of SuperStars: In a Non-Title match, Tatanka pinned Intercontinental Champion Shawn Michaels with the Papoose to Go (a.k.a Samoan Drop). 9 days later on Monday Night Raw (2/22/93 for us dorks), Tatanka and the Nasty Boys took on Michaels and the Beverly Brothers, and once again, Tatanka pinned Shawn Michaels. Will WrestleMania IX be "Three times a charm" for Tatanka? And I'm wondering what would happen if Jannetty weren't fired for his Rumble '93 situation. Would Tatanka/HBK still be on, or would HBK/Jannetty continue on through WrestleMania IX?


- Tatanka vs. George South:
Fuck, another squash match. The good news is that this is the last squash on the show. Tatanka wins the Hulk Hogan Patent Lockup, but doesn't pose. South hammers away in the corner on Tatanka, but gets taken over with a hip toss. Irish whip is reversed, and Tatanka with more chops. Irish Whip #2, and Tatanka puts South down with a scoop slam. South no-sells though and does more punch/kick crap. Tatanka returns with the same. Tatanka sends South to the corners and chops him down again. Tatanka goes into his signature War Dance, and you know what's coming. Chops, chops, top rope chop, and the Papoose to Go puts South down for the three count at 3:16. Blech... after the match, Shawn Michaels comes to ringside to talk trash to Tatanka, but ends up walking away from a fight. Too bad he didn't use this method when the Marines whooped his ass in October of '95. (DUD)


- WrestleMania IX Report! Brought to you by Ico-PRO: You've gotta want it! Mean Gene hypes up the Mega Manics vs. Money Inc., Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna (w/ Bret Hart Promo), Doink vs. Crush (w/ Crush fishing for squid), and Steiner Brothers vs. Head Shrinkers. The rest of the card: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka, The Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez, Mr. Perfect vs. The Narcissist, Kamala vs. Bam Bam Bigelow, and Bob Backlund vs. Razor Ramon.


- The Bushwackers & Tiger Jackson vs. The Beverly Brothers & Little Louie:
If you've seen one Bushwackers vs. Beverly Brothers and Midget match, you've seen them all. But this match is awesome. Short and sweet, Bobby Heenan is ON for this match, so I'm not even bothering with PBP. I'm just going to quote Bobby Heenan for the entire match. The finish is Tiger Jackson pinning Little Louie with a cross body from the top rope at 9:54. (**1/2) Now onto the commentary....

Heenan: See what happens when you quit working out! Isn't that Hillbilly Jim?
Vince: That's Little Louie
Heenan: It wouldn't be Big Louie.

"I would love to have him in my house. We could use someone to sweep under our sofa."

"Have you met Tiger Jackson yet? Don't touch him, you don't know where he's been."

"That's a shame... Tiger Jackson looks like the smartest one of the team. I guess you can call him a half-wit."

"He loves baseball, that Tiger Jackson. He can't wait to play Shortstop."

"Boy is he excited. I bet he (Tiger) feels like he's three feet tall."

Heenan: How would you like the house next door be for sale, and see these three walking up the drive way? That would scare you off.
Vince: They'd be great neighbors.
Heenan: Oh yeah... wouldn't have to worry about putting your garbage out, they'd eat it. You'll have to keep your house pets in...

(talking about WrestleMania IX)
Vince: Gorilla Monsoon may come in via an elephant.
Heenan: You mean they're going to put an elephant on Gorilla Monsoon?!

Heenan: They should pull his teeth.
Vince: Pull who's teeth? Butch doesn't have any teeth, and Luke is missing a number of them.
Heenan: No, pull Tiger Jackson's teeth. He's only got three, you know. It's all they have.
Vince: What do you mean, all THEY have?
Heenan: All midgets have is three teeth. They're good for opening cans.
Vince: We apologize for the obsurity of Mr. Heenan, if in fact he is offending anyone.

Heenan: Poor Tiger Jackson couldn't have breakfast this morning.
Vince: Tiger Jackson could not have breakfast?
Heenan: He ordered cereal and they brought milk, but he wanted half & half.


- Flashback to the 1993 Royal Rumble (Again): The Giant Gonzalez makes his debut and (illegaly) eliminates the Undertaker from the Rumble Match. For those who have never seen Gonzalez, he wore an ugly body suit with air-brushed muscles and FUR, and an ASS CRACK. I couldn't make this up if I tried.


- The Undertaker (w/ Paul Bearer) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow:
Another main event caliber match when it comes to free television. Since neither guy could afford to lose here, don't be surprised if there's a shit finish. They go face-to-face to start, and Undertaker no-sells a few rights. Undertaker with a drop toe hold and some pulling of Bigelow's face. Bigelow pounds away some more with rights and headbutts. Irish whip, and the Undertaker surprises Bam Bam with a DDT. Undertaker with some choking in the corner. Wristlock applied by Undertaker, followed by the rope-walk clothesline across the back of the neck. Irish whip, and Undertaker no-sells a kick to the face. Undertaker with a clothesline, but he misses the diving clothesline that always misses, as we go to a Commercial. We return with Bigelow slamming Undertaker outside of the ring. Undertaker no-sells that, too. Bigelow rams Undertaker into the ring steps, then whips him knees first into them for good measure. Finally they get back in the ring, with Bigelow in control. Back suplex by Bigelow, but Undertaker sits-up again. Irish whip to the corner, and Bigelow takes Undertaker over with a powerslam. Once again, he sits up. Bigelow pounds away and slams him, then drops a headbutt. MORE SITTING UP! At least Undertaker got some exercise during his matches. Bigelow finally puts him down long enough to go to the top rope, but the Diving Headbutt misses. Undertaker actually connects with the flying chokeslam, then plants Bigelow with a Chokeslam. Bigelow rolls out of the ring and takes a walk though, giving Undertaker the victory by Count-Out at 7:46. After the match, Gonzalez comes to ringside to spook Undertaker, but nothing happens (as usual). Not too bad of a match, but not too good either. (*1/4)


- Closing out the show is a Bret Hart "Respect" Music Video. How many music videos did Bret Hart get in the WWF? But before we go to the video, Heenan tries convincing he's not a Weasel by bending over, showing he doesn't have a tail... ew?


Final Thoughts: Nothing terribly exciting of note here. The good stuff isn't very good, but nothing is that bad, either. Back in 1993, it was enjoyable to watch a 2 hour show featuring several "feature" matches, but in today's world of wrestling, this would look like a poor collection of matches from Velocity and Sunday Night Heat. I'll give it a thumbs up for the Nostalgia.